Need Help With That?

A friend of mine asked me for help in filling out an application for a job.

I'll bet he doesn't do that again!

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APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Dumb Guy
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: No way!

True Dat! Dat True!

From Bobby.

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Drafting Guys over 60----this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.
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New Direction for the war on terrorists.
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Send Service Vets over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
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For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ... ER ... one.'
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
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Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

Copper

I took an interest in this story because I can relate to it.

Bobby and I have been hauling in scrap copper from motors and transformers in our spare time. With the high prices scrap metals are now bringing, copper is the new gold. But we don't steal our copper, we use scrap parts from my business. And Bobby seems to love air chisels, they fire like a machine gun.

I call him Bobby the Copper Slayer!

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Thief reaches heights for copper wire
DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) -- A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say. That's little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire ($.44 1/2 per foot, where do these people learn their math? - Tramp), depending on how you look at it. "I can't believe that," Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. "It's not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff." Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday. "We've had copper stolen from construction sites. We've had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We've had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes," Tusken said. "Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out." While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.

Bumper Snickers

From Mike.
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You Think Your Paycheck Stinks?

Stinky paycheck empties bank
DANBURY, Conn. (UPI) -- A truly stinky paycheck forced the evacuation of a bank in New Milford, Conn., and a lockdown of a nearby children's center, police say. Police said after authorities were contacted by the Bank of America regarding a noxious smell Thursday, the New Milford bank was emptied to allow hazardous materials experts to search the premises, the Waterbury (Conn.) Republican-American reported. Children at the Beehive Children's Center behind the bank were kept inside as a precaution during the search. Police said the unusual smell was eventually traced to a paycheck handled by a man with machine cutting oil on his hands. The check had been deposited at the bank and the smell never dissipated, the Republican-American reported. The emergency precautions were called off after the smelly check was found and the bank was allowed to reopen about an hour after it was closed.

When God Paints...

From Lil Sis Colleen.

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Grab Your Children And Lock Your Doors

I'm heading out now to go riding with Geno.

Geno and the Tramp riding together again. And Bobby may be joining us.

Watch out World!

Freebies

Ensure

Agel

Make A Difference $3 donation to your favorite charity

GE Caulk Singles

Nads Gel

Sweet And Geno

Sweet was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Sweet decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Geno, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Sweet.
"Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him.
Geno said nothing, but after ten minutes Sweet was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said Geno. "Haven't you noticed that we are riding on a girls bike?"

My Favorite Soup

Hot and Sour Soup
One quarter cup dried tree ears mushrooms, measured after soaking
2 medium-sized dried Chinese black mushrooms
6 to 8 dried tiger-lily buds (golden needles)
16 ounces bean curd, well drained
One half cup canned bamboo shoots, drained
4 cups chicken broth1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon soy sauce
4 ounces ground pork, cut into thin slices about 2 inches long
One quarter teaspoon white pepper
2 - 3 Tbsp. red wine vinegar, according to taste
1 Tbsp. rice wine or dry sherry
2 tablespoons cornstarch mixed with 3 tablespoons water
1 egg, beaten
2 teaspoons sesame-seed oil
1 green onion, sliced
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Cover the mushrooms in a small bowl with warm water. (If you cannot find these specific types of mushrooms, use an equal amount of whatever dried mushrooms you can find)
Let them soak for 30 minutes to soften.
Strain mushroom liquid and reserve.
Cut the mushrooms into one quarter inch slices and set aside.
Slice bean curd and bamboo shoots into one quarter inch slices and set aside.
Place the chicken broth in a large pot.
Add the salt, soy sauce, mushroom liquid, mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and ground pork.
Bring to a boil, then lower heat and simmer soup for 3 minutes.
Add the white pepper, red wine vinegar, rice wine or sherry and bean curd.
Return soup to a boil.
Stir the cornstarch mixture and then add to soup.
Slowly add the beaten egg a little at a time while stirring.
Remove the soup from the heat.
Add the sesame-seed oil and sprinkle soup with green onions to serve.
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The Skinny: Use fat free chicken broth and egg substitute.
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SOURCE: Arcamax Chef

Guy Talk

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
Tramp says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Bobby says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, Geno says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."

For The Golfer In Carrie

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...

"Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"

Prayers

From TZ.

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FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.
..
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MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge tits who owns a liquor store.
Amen

A Correction And An Apology

I've been called out by Wendy Northcutt from the Darwin Awards site concerning my It's Time post.

She is right, and I owe her an apology.

First, even though I did mention her site, I failed to post a link to it, as I should have.

My bad.

Second, I stated that the stories posted were Darwin Award nominees. They were not, instead they were simply submissions that she had not yet considered for nomination.

Again, my bad.

It's not a nominee until Wendy says it's a nominee!

Wendy, please accept my apology for completely screwing up that post.

Be assured that it will not happen again.

And everyone else, please accept my invitation to Wendy's site this weekend, where Wendy herself will be publicly flogging me for my errors.

And be assured that that won't happen again!

I Have Another Question!

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop,” why do they come with a resealable lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Why does the sun make your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of eight when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"?
Why are toenail clippers bigger than fingernail clippers when your toenails are smaller than your fingernails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
What's the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub down and wash up?
Why is it when you’re almost dead you’re on death's doorstep, but when you’re actually dead you’re not in death's house?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when it’s going down?
Can good-looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say, "It’s only a game" when they're winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say, "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Does a mail carrier deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are Softballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
In France, do people just ask for toast and get French toast? Or do they have to ask for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A, B, C, D, F but no E.
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight part in his hair?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a Teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?
Since we see little birdies when we just are knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just are knocked out?
Can a person named Nick have a 'nick’ name?
Do cows drink milk?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why would Superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
If someone can't see, they're blind, and if someone can’t hear, they're deaf. So what do you call people who can't smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

THE VERY RARE PARROT FLOWER

From Corrine.

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It is also a protected species and is not allowed to be exported.

This will be the only way we will be able to view this flower.

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A FLOWER ALL THE WAY FROM THAILAND . .

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THE VERY RARE PARROT FLOWER

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Hey Baby...

From Lil Sis Colleen.

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Here's a laugh for the day...enjoy!
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An Illustrated Aid

Southern Girl has provided this visual aid to enhance the comments section on the post, A Great Site.
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Killing the Eel

From Irene.

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Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
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One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.
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The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, and then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her."
"I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart."
"I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath."
"His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt."
"About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot."
"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away."
"When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake."
"Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off."
"All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again."
"Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel."
"The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them."
"After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh."
"Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out."
"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again."
"I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel."
"I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
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His mother fainted.

Cool Websites

Crazy Fast Food Creations

Find A Grave

Bumper Banner The Bumper Sticker site.

Misheard Lyrics

Toilet Paper Fashions

Quote

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln

I've Been Exposed!

Robert has uncovered the horrible truth!

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A Theory?

From Corrine.

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WHERE DO REDHEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!’
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'‘

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.’?’ This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'‘

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

A Great Site

We have a new reader!

Robert Basler is his name. He is an extremely talented and entertaining man. I imagine a night out for beers with him is one you would not soon forget!

But don't take my word for it, see for yourself.

Thanks for reading Robert, and thanks for sharing your talent with us all.

Addendum To The Playlist

Here are some more songs on my playlist tonight.
Maybe this is part of the reason why they place me in charge of music on the Island?
I have a transmitter connected to my MP3 player aboard my boat.
All of the boat radios are set to my station, which I call 'Pirate Radio'!

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Voodoo Child - Jimi Hendrix or Stevie Ray Vaughan

Ain't Gonna Work On Maggie's Farm No More - Bob Dylan

All Along The Watchtower and Like A Rolling Stone - Dylan or Hendrix, it's a draw.

Too Rolling Stoned and Bridge Of Sighs - Robin Trower

Finding My Way - Rush

Baba O'Riley - The Who

Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin

Skinny Little Boy - Alex Bevin

The Mighty Quinn - Manfred Mann

Wasn't Born To Follow - The Byrds

Copperhead Road (the live version) - Steve Earle

Baby Please Don't Go - Muddy Waters

Shine - American Miner

Dreams I'll Never See - Molly Hatchet

By The Wayside - Artful Dodger (My favorite song, listen to a clip HERE)

I'm A Boinger - Billy and the Boingers

And what Krista said, which is this;

Here’s my playlist:
Boston - More Than a Feeling
The Who - Won’t Get Fooled Again
Godsmack - I Stand Alone
Judas Priest - Living After Midnight
David Gilmour - There’s No Way Out of Here
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Metallica - Master of Puppets
Megadeath - Sweating Bullets
AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
W.A.S.P. - Wild Child
Quiet Riot - Cum on Feel the Noize
Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
Lacuna Coil - Our Truth
KISS - God Gave Rock and Roll to You
Rob Zombie - Foxy Foxy
Scorpions - Send Me an Angel
Massive Attack - Angel
Bob Dylan - Rainy Day Women #12 & 35
Peter Frampton - Baby I Love Your Way
Journey - Don’t Stop Believin’

Cocaine For Kitties

If you love cats, then you'll love this video (yes, you Krista!).

Watch this bit of humor even if you aren't a cat person, it rocks!

Quote

"The Pope and President Bush met privately at the White House, and they prayed together. And I believe it was the first time anyone had been on their knees in the Oval Office since...well..." - David Letterman

Ever Have One Of Those Mornings...

...where the beer tasted good the night before?

And the whiskey tasted even better?

And then you wake the next morning...

... and you're afraid that you're NOT going to die?

Music I'm Listening To

I love music. Good music.
Why is it so hard to find it nowadays?
Here is what I’ve found.
And I had to go back.
Way back.

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The Kinks - Sunny Afternoon

Eric Burden – When I Was Young

Jimmy Buffet – A Pirate Looks At Forty

Kevin Ayres – Stranger In Blue Suede Shoes

Joe Walsh – I Like Big Tits

The Mamas And The Papas – California Dreaming

Buffalo Springfield – For What It’s Worth

Jo Jo Gunn – Ride

Joe Bonamassa – My Mistake

Jefferson Airplane – White Rabbit

Spirit – Mr. Skin

The Monkees – Pleasant Valley Sunday

Steppenwolf – The Pusher

The Buoys – Timothy

Autograph – Turn Up The Radio

Coney Hatch – Monkey Bars

The Kingsmen – Louie Louie

The Blue Magoos - We Ain’t Got Nothing Yet

Tommy James and the Shondells - Draggin' The Line

Lovin Spoonful - Daydream

Shadows Of Knight - Gloria

Otis Redding - I Can't Turn You Loose (with a big smiling nod toward the Blues Brothers)

For Carrie;

The Hollies - Carrie Anne

And for Southern Girl;

Arlo Guthrie - City Of New Orleans

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That's some good shit.
If you don't like it, that's cool.

But if you accept that I do, then that's KEWL!

Quote

"When some idiot asks me about a form 8038-G information return for a tax-exempt governmental obligation, when they really mean a form 1038-R recovery of overpayment under arbitrage rebate provisions — that shit's hilarious!" -- David Letterman, Number Four on The Late Show Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Accountant

Section C – Delivery of Shoes

1. Delivery – The contestant pitching first shall deliver both shoes (one at a time) and then the other contestant shall deliver both shoes (one at a time). A contestant may deliver the shoes from either the left or right pitching platform, but in any one inning, both shoes must be delivered from the same platform. A contestant shall pitch the entire tournament with the same hand/arm, except in the case of a medical emergency (to be determined by the Tournament/League Officials).
2. Time Limit – A contestant shall deliver both shoes within thirty (30) seconds. This time limitation shall be determined by a judge and will start when the contestant steps onto the pitching platform with the intention of pitching and is in a “set” position for the first pitch.
Exceptions:
(a) Extra time will be allowed to repair a damaged shoe (filing a burr for example).
(b) If a contestant becomes distracted due to unusual playing conditions or by another contestant or spectator, they will not be penalized for this additional time.

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Yeah, there really is a set of Official Rules for Horseshoes.

Find them at the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association of America.

Whoda thunk?

In The News

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Now That's A Pothole

Mrs. Bobby's Popcorn Chicken?

Vickie sent me this recipe for chicken.

She is a great talent in the kitchen. I know, I've been there.
She is also a Babe in her own right.

Bobby is a lucky guy!

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Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try:
2 1/2-3 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350°F.
1. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
2. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
3. Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.
4. Listen to the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

Freebies

Kashi

Reach Access

Icy Hot

Alaway Allergy Eyedrops

Sunkist Lemonade Stand

A Great Freebie, But Not For You

This is what is being offered by the good people at True Lemon.

*****

We're so confident you'll love True Lemon, True Lime and True Orange, we're giving away free samples...to you and our troops!

We've heard reports that families are sending all-natural True Lemon to their troops in the deserts and mountains of Iraq and Afghanistan to help make the water more flavorful.

Every time we get a request for free samples of True Lemon from a new customer, we will donate 10 packets of True Lemon to Operation Gratitude, a non-profit organization providing care packages to U.S. Troops.

It costs you nothing, It means so much to our service members. Make a little True Lemon go a long way. Our deployed troops will thank you for it.

Quote

"It's tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it's like being married to Heather Mills." - David Letterman

Lil Sis's Engineering Question of the Day

Colleen has a question.

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Q.) How much does a house weigh???
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A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

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Professor Vomit

Really, this guy's name is Donny Vomit.

And his name is one of the least odd things about him!

In The News

Ridiculousness from thieves and from cops.

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Wrappers lead to candy theft suspects
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- Cincinnati police said they tracked down four suspects in a candy store burglary by following a trail of discarded wrappers. Police said they followed the trail from Peter Minges and Sons Candy Shop, where $400 worth of candy was stolen just before 1 a.m. Thursday, to a nearby area where they arrested four suspects, two men and two women, WLWT-TV, Cincinnati, reported. Three of the suspects have not yet been named by police, but one of the women, Christine Ruther, was charged with child endangerment after she allegedly brought her 7-month-old daughter along for the heist.

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Man arrested for forgetting to pay for pop
CLEVELAND (UPI) -- A Cleveland man says he was arrested after mistakenly leaving a store without paying for a $4 case of soda among his two cartloads of groceries. Tom Sturgis said he paid for $157.20 worth of groceries at the self checkout lane of a Brooklyn, Ohio, supermarket and walked out the door not realizing he had forgotten to pay for the soda, which was on the shelf under the cart, WEWS-TV in Cleveland reported Tuesday. Sturgis said a police officer working security asked to see his receipt. "I went looking for the receipt, the pop wasn't on it and they decided to have me arrested," he said. "It's over a case of pop," said Sturgis' wife Wendy. "He turned around and offered to go back in and pay for it and the cop told him it's like robbing a bank, you just can't get caught robbing a bank and say, 'I'm sorry, I'll give you your money back.'" Sturgis, who was charged with petty theft, spent 3 1/2 hours in jail, from 11:30 p.m. until 3 a.m.

Potholes

From Corrine.

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This is SO cute!!
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After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
" Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy, " he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

New Seuss

From Carrie.

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Bad Idea

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Life Lessons

-Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10
- When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12
- Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9
- Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8
- Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7
- Don't flush the john when your dad is in the shower. Lamar, Age 10
- Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11
- When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16
- Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14
- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13
- Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13
- Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11
- Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10
- Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12
- Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11
- Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7
- Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13
- Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

- Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8

Maybe I Could Do That

A reader, Kat, mentioned my photos of the Ohio River might rate as some nice postcards.
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I replied it wasn't me, it's just that way on the River.

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But after looking at some postcards around the web, I think she might be on to something.

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Check out these postcards and you tell me.
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The first one scares me.
I have a copy of the second postcard!
The rest... well, words fail me.
Except for the last one.
I call it 'The History of Digital Communication'.

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Frighten yourself with these and many more 'specimens' at the Tacky Postcard Archive.

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SOURCE: Tackymail