All You Need To Know About Investing

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

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Three Grandmas

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles,the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 3 old ladies happily yelled in unison--

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

The Best Quiz Ever

Yes it is!

Quote

Dear God,

Did You really mean

"do unto others as they do unto you"?

Because if You did,

then I'm going to fix my brother!

-Darla, Age 8

Kid Volt

Geno gave me a new nickname tonight. That’s it, up there. And there is a story to it.
Also, OUCH !!!!!

.

.
Tonight we had a pretty good thunderstorm. The National Weather Service warned us to watch out for large hail, damaging winds, and frequent lightning. I was on my bike, but made it home just before the storm.
I went down in my basement (the Dungeon) and was working on the Riverbank site. Bobby called me and told me that the storm was here. I said I wanted to see it. So I walked out onto my patio. I don’t remember everything after that, but Bobby said he heard me screaming.
I had taken about three steps out my door when a bolt of lightning hit me. It hit me on my left thumb, where I was holding my cell phone. It burned a hole in my thumb, traveled up my arm, across my shoulders, and blew a hole in my right forearm where it exited my body. My cell phone melted.
I think I was in shock at that point. It hurt a lot. And it was tremendously bright. But it was silent to me. Bobby said he heard the thunderous boom, but I heard nothing. I think the enormous voltage shut down my hearing.
I would recommend to anyone that they skip this experience if possible. It really hurts. I have a V shaped burn on my left thumb and two holes there, plus a hole in my right forearm, from the lightning’s departure. My joints and my chest hurt quite a bit, even though it happened over six hours ago. I remember wondering why I was getting shocked, and how long it seemed to go on, even though it was probably over in about a tenth of a second.
But I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. Man, does it hurt! I’m glad it didn’t kill me, that would have sucked.
And my melted cell phone still works!

New Geno Facts Exposed!

Geno was born standing up and talking back. When the doctor said to his Mom, “Congratulations, it’s a boy”, Geno slapped the doctor and said, “Don't call me boy!”

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to Geno.



Simply by pulling on both ends, Geno can stretch diamonds back into coal.



Geno is the only person who can slam a revolving door.



Geno is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Geno does not swim. This is because when Geno enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Geno simply walks across the pool floor.



Geno built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.



Helen Keller's favorite color was Geno.



Geno eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."



If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Geno would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.



The Sherman tank was originally called the Geno tank until Geno decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Geno, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been bad-ass enough to be named after Geno.



Geno does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.



There is no such thing as global warming. Geno was cold, so he turned the sun up.



It's widely believed that Jesus was Geno's stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Geno's skin.



Geno did, in fact, build Rome in a day.



Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Geno. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Geno.



Geno once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that that actually is "his" way.



Contrary to popular belief, Geno doesn't play God. Playing is for children.



Geno is the only person in the world who can actually email a middle finger.



Geno can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.



Some kids play 'Kick the Can'. Geno played 'Kick the Tanker'.



When Geno was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him twelve year old whiskey, straight out of the bottle.



According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Geno can actually knock you into yesterday.



Geno invented a language that incorporates punches and kicks. So next time Geno is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.



Fear is not the only emotion Geno can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get my ass kicked by Geno."



There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Geno finds it delicious.



Geno wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.



The Bible was originally titled "Geno and Friends"



Geno can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.



Nagasaki never had an Atomic Bomb dropped on it. Geno jumped out of a plane, hit the ground and punched it.

Warren Zevon

Warren Zevon was a great artist. I love his music. Everyone knows 'Werewolves of London', 'Excitable Boy', and 'Lawyers Guns and Money'. But did you know that he wrote 'Poor Poor Pitiful Me'? And I think his recorded version of it is better than Linda Ronstadt's. 'Splendid Isolation' is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. And 'Mr. Bad Example' is downright funny. Here is a line from that song.
.

"I'm very well acquainted with the Seven Deadly Sins,

I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in."
.

The reason I bring him up is because there is currently a petition being circulated to induct him into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I can't believe he isn't in it already. The people in Cleveland must be slow!
.
If you are like me, sign this petition. It's an online petition, and I've mentioned before that online petitions are not valid because a real petition has to be signed. Well, they got around that by including an app that allows you to sign it right on your computer. See it HERE.
.
Warren is in Heaven now, but he also belongs in the Rock Hall. More so than many who are there.
.
Thanks for the great music Warren, and say hi to God for me.

He took you for your music, you know?

Speed Freak

I love to go fast. Always have, and always will.
.
Some people don’t however. And that’s okay with me, I use it to my advantage.
.
For example, I had a certain individual ask me for a ride on my bike the other day. This was a person I’d rather not take along with me when I’m riding my scoot. And I knew he didn’t like to go fast.
.
So off we went, holding a steady ninety on the Harley’s clock. We arrived at our destination, which was Stewie’s place, and this person bitched about my high-speed ride. I responded with, “You shouldn’t have got on if you didn’t want to go fast!”
.
When it was time to leave, he made me promise not to go ninety on the way back. I gave him my vow, and I am not a liar. True to my word, we did not go ninety. We went a hundred. ..
Hey, a hundred ain’t ninety. Besides, when I ride with Geno, we cruise at a buck fifteen. That’s how Geno rides, and it doesn’t bother me. I like it. A lot. And I always will.
.
In my defense, I was racing motorcycles at the Pro level when I was twelve years old. When I turned sixteen, my first car was a five hundred horsepower Z28 Camaro (which I still have).
.
Going fast is in my upbringing, and I do it well. I have never been killed (this I can prove), nor have I killed anyone else.
.
I just absolutely and completely love speed. I believe the words used by Molly Hatchet in their song, ‘Flirting With Disaster’ are accurate, where they said, “I’ve got the pedal to the floor, my life is running faster”.
.
The fastest I’ve gone on a bike was a buck thirty one. In my car, one fifty five. And the fastest I’ve ever gone was seven hundred and fifty miles per hour (that was in a jet chartered by the U.S. Navy).
.
Still, I want to go faster.
.
And I already know that no matter how fast I go, it won’t be enough. I’ll always need more.
.
I love to go fast.
.
.

The Rulebook

From Geno.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.
The Guys' Rules

.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

.

Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

.

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Speling Is Impartent!

From Alrad.

~~~~~~~~~~~

This is weird, but interesting!
.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Job Offer

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Worcester, MA, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files and replies, "Oh yes, here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist' s examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Providence RI. That's about 100 miles from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

Websites

The Love Calculator

Who Would Buy That?

Good Stuff? - A Behind-the-Scenes Guide to the Things We Buy

Whats That Stuff?

Epigrammies - "It is ironic that irony hardly ever involves iron."

Redneck Logic

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two rednecks, Billy Bob and Willie, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Billy Bob turns to Willie and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Willy thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Billy Bob goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Billy Bob says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done yet,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'Excited to take the class now, Billy Bob shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Willie at the bar. He tells Willie about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Willie says, 'What's that?'
Billy Bob says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'

It's A Fact

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTERESTING OBSERVATION?

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

The Wine Bra

Yep!
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And a real beer belly, too!
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From Bob Basler, oddly enough!
.
I don't know where he keeps finding this stuff.

Misunderstanding

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."
.
The big guy punches him in the mouth.

Tech Talk

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:

ID10T

Quote

"Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them."

--Denis Leary

It's Illegal To Eat What In Denmark?

Facebook deletes profiles of cat eaters
ARHUS, Denmark (UPI) -- A group of Arhus, Denmark, journalism students said their Facebook accounts were deleted after they posted pictures of themselves eating a cat. The Danish School of Journalism students said their accounts were closed by administrators of the popular social networking Web site after they uploaded the photos, The Copenhagen Post reported Wednesday. The students said the cat cooked and eaten as a means of drawing attention to the plight of pigs, cows and other animals used primarily for food. "We wanted people to think about what it was they were putting in their mouths," said Laura Boge Mortensen, one of the students involved. "It's hypocritical for us to spend thousands of kroner on our pets, yet buy the cheapest pork from Netto that comes from pigs that have lived a horrid life. And just why is it that it's worse to eat a cat than a pig?" The students said the cat was killed humanely and prepared by a professional chef. "We had to count to three before we sat down to eat, and I wouldn't really say that we stuffed our face," Mortensen said. "Everyone did take a bite though."

Olde Log Inn

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends had agreed to meet at a resort for a weekend of fishing. The first arrived on Friday evening, as scheduled, but his fishing buddy never showed up.
.
Finally about lunch-time the next day, the tardy fisherman arrived beaten and bandaged.
When asked what the hell had happened, the wounded man replied, "The last thing I remember is stopping at the highway rest stop and spotting a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat, so I stuck my head through the window and asked, 'Hey, just how far is The Olde Log Inn?'"

Quote

"I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again."

-- Anonymous, Of Course

.

.

From Irene.

Quote

"I rely on my personality for birth control."

-- Every Attorney There Ever Was

Can Anyone Tell Me What This Means?

If you're a Motorhead from the 70's, you'll know.

.

"I run a mouse, not a rat"

Stewie's Bonfire

This guy knows how to build a bonfire!

.

His secret is to use mattresses.

.

*************

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Saturday Night

Tonight we had to flip over a Winnebago motor home that Stewart is scrapping out. Stewie wanted to use a tractor. Geno thought it would be better to use dynamite. I agreed with Geno and we settled on six sticks.

.

Geno thought it would be nice if he were to jump his motorcycle through it as it blew up. Well, I figured if one bike jumping through it is nice, two would be better.

.
So Geno was instructing me to keep the front wheel up and hit it with the back wheel. And then the Naysayers started their shit. So we were barred from our fun.

.
It’s probably for the best. Geno would have been fine, but I don’t know about me. I’m no Geno!

Be Careful What You Bitch About

I stopped for gas today on the scoot. I'm not bitching about that, everyone else has it covered. But the guy in front of me at the counter was. As he bitched at the girl working the counter about the four dollar gas price, I noticed he had a bottle of water. This was a 20 oz. bottle of alleged 'Spring Water' with a price of a buck seventy nine.

I mentioned to him that he was in no position to complain about four buck a gallon gas if he was willing to pay over eleven bucks per gallon of water.

He thought about that. Then he shut the Hell up.

Pay good 'tension now

From Bobby.

~~~~~~~~

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."

Quaker

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South.
One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself.
"Are you a real Quaker?" he asked as he was ringing up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his mer-chandise to be tallied up.
"Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
The man said, "Fuck Thee."

"I’ll show you a brain scan of my dream if you’ll show me one of yours."

Bob Basler, of Oddly Enough, sent me this note;

.
"I may never in my lifetime top these photographs."

.

I had to check it out.

You should too. Here.

Bob continues to amaze me. Thanks again Bob, keep up the great work!

Lease Vs Own

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Rent vs. Buy…

.
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
.
Assuming they made love every night during their 5-year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour.
.
Crazy, right?
.
But...
.
Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+ million).
.
Value-added benefits include:
.
- a 22 year old hot babe,
- no begging,
- no coaxing,
- never a headache,
- wide open menu,
- ability to put BOTH legs around you,
- no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists.
.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round.
.
All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
.
Is it just me, or does it seem better to rent than to buy?

He Did What?

Here is a typical everyday news story.
.
This guy was in an outhouse...
'
in the holding tank...
.
and naked.
.
?????
.
Yeah, I'm sure he had his reasons.
.

And no, I don't want to know what they were.
.
**********
.

Pa. crews rescue nude man stuck in portable potty
LEBANON, Pa. (AP) - Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty. Authorities say the 31-year-old man used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet.
Police say the man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.
Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WPMT-TV, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I've ever had."
Police charged the man with public drunkenness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. They said he didn't suffer any serious injuries.

The Next Time...

...someone tells you they are a Pro Fisherman, tell them, "So are monkeys."

.

*****

.

Scientists find monkeys who know how to fish

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Long-tailed macaque monkeys have a reputation for knowing how to find food - whether it be grabbing fruit from jungle trees or snatching a banana from a startled tourist.
Now, researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that fish.
Groups of long-tailed macaques were observed four times over the past eight years scooping up small fish with their hands and eating them along rivers in East Kalimantan and North Sumatra provinces, according to researchers from The Nature Conservancy and the Great Ape Trust.
The species had been known to eat fruit and forage for crabs and insects, but never before fish from rivers.
"It's exciting that after such a long time you see new behavior," said Erik Meijaard, one of the authors of a study on fishing macaques that appeared in last month's International Journal of Primatology. "It's an indication of how little we know about the species."

.

SOURCE and Full Story: MyWay

Psst, Need A Million Bucks?

Bigfoot Bounty: Reward Offered for Mysterious Monsters

Bigfoot and lake monsters, beware: There’s a price on your heads. Binocular manufacturer Bushnell, along with "Field & Stream" magazine, have teamed up to offer $1 million to anyone who can "provide an unaltered photograph/video, verified and substantiated by a panel of scientific experts [including a zoologist and biologist], the evidence required to prove a Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti exists." The contest started a few days ago and ends Dec. 15, but before heading out to claim your million, note that the rules' fine print states that they are not liable for any injury incurred during a Bigfoot attack. A good quality Bigfoot image would make history; most photos are of such consistently poor quality that within the Bigfoot research community there's even a name for a typical blurry "Bigfoot" image: blobsquatch. This is, of course, a marketing promotion and not a genuine search for Bigfoot. There's no way to authenticate a Bigfoot photograph by itself; the image is simply a two-dimensional pattern of pixels. To truly prove a Bigfoot exists, you'd need corroborating hard evidence like a body, teeth, or bones. Bigfoot isn't the only monster whose proof of existence commands cash. Larry Nielson, a boat owner from Lake City, Minnesota, is offering a reward for their local lake monster. Pepie, the mysterious beast said to lurk in Lake Pepin, was supposedly seen on April 28, 1871, and only rarely since then. According to Nielson, you don't actually have to capture the beast: "The Lake City Tourism Bureau has announced a $50,000 reward for undisputable evidence that proves the existence of the real live creature living in Lake Pepin. The proof should include photographics (sic) and/or samples of skin or fins that can studied for a DNA analysis." Savvy marketers have been using monsters in promotions for over a century. In 1873, the great American showman P.T. Barnum offered a $50,000 reward for Champ, the monster supposedly living in Vermont's Lake Champlain. He planned to exhibit the creature in New York, but even that fortune wasn't enough to snare the creature, and in 1887, Barnum offered $20,000 for the monster, dead or alive. He still had no takers. More recently, Bigfoot has been used to promote everything from pizza to monster trucks to beef jerky. And virtually every town near a lake with a reputed monster has profited economically from increased tourism. People have been searching for these mysterious creatures for years. Why is conclusive proof still elusive? There are only two alternative explanations: the monsters' non-existence or the searchers' incompetence. It's possible that the animals simply don't exist, and the "evidence" is either hoaxed or the result of honest mistakes. Or, if these monsters do exist, the searchers apparently aren't good enough at their task and can't find the huge animals despite decades of effort and employing high-tech equipment. Perhaps putting a price on Bigfoot's head will finally solve the mystery. But if history is any guide, it will just turn up more blobsquatches.

.

SOURCE: Benjamin Radford at LiveScience

Quote

"I bought a dictionary and the first thing

I looked up was the word 'dictionary'.

It said, 'You're an asshole.'"

-Demetri Martin

Enjoy The Ride

I had another great day riding the scoot today. I'm loving this hot weather, as it seems to persuade me to keep on riding and never go home.

Someone once told me that I would grow up someday and quit riding a motorcycle.

I am happy to report that the person who made that statement was wrong on both counts!

A Very Good Day

I had a great day today. Geno and I went riding and visiting old friends. Geno is a lot of fun to be around anytime, but add a couple of Harleys and it becomes over the top.

We visited with several friends and we rode. Visiting people with Geno is an experience in and of itself. Riding with him is not quite sane.

I ride fast, always have and always will. I have a fast bike, or so I thought. Geno today showed me how fast a fast bike really is.

I ride well, but I’m no Geno! He continues to amaze me.
And he scares me as well.

Love ya Bro. Stay where you’re at, and keep on keepin’ on.
You’re doin’ it right!

*****

And here's a shout-out to Ruthie.

Thanks for being one of the most pleasant people I've ever met.

They Forgot, Ummm... Something

Marijuana Bongs Recalled
San Francisco CA, - Bongs-R-Us, the nation’s leading bong manufacturer, today recalled one million bongs. The reason for the recall: The bong users have reported that they are not getting high.

College students and other marijuana smokers across the country have flooded the company’s switchboard with calls stating that they have been failing to achieve a good buzz since they started using the company’s latest bongs.
Every caller reported having purchased a Bongs-R-Us bong in 2007 via local head shops or via the internet. All of the bongs reported have “Bongs-R-Us-2007” inscribed on the bottom.
In addition to the recall, Bongs-R-Us which is based in San Francisco announced today that they are continuing to investigate the complaints. A spokesman for the company, Hans Hammer said, “We are having a hard time getting our hands around the situation – pardon the pun. For every customer that we have talked to who says they can’t get buzzed using our bongs, we hear from another three that tell us that they just got completely whacked using our fine product.”
While the company simply suspects that maybe a real large bunch of people got ripped off by their dealers who sold them some home grown shit, they have agreed to voluntarily recall the 2007 model bongs in an effort to retain their loyal customers. The company has indicated that their research into the matter has shown that the majority of complaining customers all live within or near several major metropolitan areas in the country.
Most of the customers spoken to were reluctant to discuss the issues. One customer, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I’m glad that they are recalling the bongs. I was really starting to get bummed out by my lack of a buzz when using my Bongs-r-us bong.”
At the University of California-Santa Barbara, one of the country's leading party schools–accprdomg to the Princeton Review, many pot smokers were observed tossing their Bongs-R-Us bongs into a large box located on fraternity row.
Several students, who also wished to remain anonymous, said, “At the beginning of the school year most of us were getting like totally stoned with these bongs but lately we had noticed that it has been increasingly difficult to get a good buzz on using these Bongs-r-us bongs.” Many of the university’s students reported they will just roll joints until they get their new bong as part of the recall.
When asked if the problem could be the quality of their weed and not the bong, most of the college students interviewed for this story supported their local dealer. Their comments were generally along the lines of “There is no way Rick (not his real name) would sell us home-grown stuff", and "like dude, we have been buying from him since we arrived on campus so we are sure the problem is not with the weed."

SOURCE: Red Tractor USA

We Have Us A Hacker!

You’ve probably noticed a few glitches on the Riverbank recently.
That’s because someone is trying to hack it.
Someone who is good.
.
Real good.
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.
So I have no way of finding out who she is, right?
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Oops, I said ‘she’, didn’t I?
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Well, whoever she is, she is good.
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Aren’t you, Robin?
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.
.

Again, that’s;

Robin Russo,
from Robin Leedy & Associates, Inc.
118 North Bedford Road
Mount Kisco, New York 10549
(914) 241-0086 extension 16
IP Address 68.195.222.138
.
.
.
Nice work, Robin!
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.
No wait, you failed...
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.

Guys, Don't Read This One

Ouch.

************

Man survives crotch snake bite
CAIRNS, Australia (UPI) -- A man seemed embarrassed after a snake bit him in the crotch while he was relieving himself on the side of the road in Australia, an ambulance spokesman said. The tourist could have lost his life when a poisonous brown snake lurched toward his crotch and sunk its teeth into his manhood, the Sun reported Thursday. It was reported rescue officials hurried to the road near Cairns, Australia, and began on-site treatment. Medical officials said the man was expected to recover, despite throwing up and complaining of a stomachache. "It certainly had a swipe at him. But it didn't envenomate him. As it came through it must have got a bit of a shock," the spokesman said. "I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed."

No Fucking Way!

Proof that the legal system is officially insane.

**************

Wife ordered to pay for ex's lifestyle
MADISON, Wis. (UPI) -- The Wisconsin Supreme Court has ruled a divorced woman must pay her ex-husband $2,000 a month to maintain his lifestyle, despite his $85,000 a year salary. The court ruled Rose Steinmann must pay her ex-husband, Tony Steinmann, $2,000 a month for 10 years so that he may maintain the lifestyle he enjoyed while married, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported Thursday. The Steinmanns were married for 10 years and during that time Tony worked for Rose's business, Dairy Source Inc. He was fired from the company two months after the couple divorced in 2004. The Supreme Court's decision was unanimous, although Justice Annette Ziegler did not participate in the review.

No. Geno Wasn't Even There!

Party trashes $8.8 million home
MARBELLA, Spain (UPI) -- A woman says her $8.8 million home in Marbella, Spain, was trashed by 400 revelers who showed up for a party her daughter advertised on the Internet.
Amanda Hudson said she gave her daughter, Jodie, permission to throw her 16th birthday party at the house, but she lost control of the shindig after hundreds of people showed up to party, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.
Jodie Hudson had sent out word about her birthday bash on social networking sites Facebook and Bebo as the "party of the year," the British newspaper reported. The advertisements, which included the address of the house, promised "there's going be a lot of alcohol and an amazing DJ."
Hudson said $12,000 worth of jewelry and multiple clothing items were stolen during the party. Other items, including a TV, were thrown into the house's pool.
She said the house is usually rented out for $8,000 a week during the summer, but the damage done by the party has made the residence unlivable.

Quote

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

- Ben Franklin

The Post Turtle

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'

Headlines

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEADLINES OF 2008

Most of the year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

The Whole Truth

From Joe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

THREE MEN HIKING

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked two hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you".

Burial At Sea

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~

Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman all his life and it was to be his final wish. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They cast off from Fort Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat.
After rowing for quite some time, Betty says, 'Do you think we're out far enough?'
Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do -- the water is only up to my chest.'

So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried.

Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'
Betty inquires. 'Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel.'

Quote

"I'd like to learn a new language: Scottish. It's a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with, 'ye bastard!'"

- Sean Meo

Quote

"...and on the seventh day Geno said,

"I'll take it from here."

- Tramp

Freebies, Special Beauty And Health Edition

Aveeno Positively Ageless

Clay Essentials

Gillette Body Wash

Garnier Ultra Lift Pro X

Aveda Green Science

Emergen C

JGO

Gas-X Thin StripsTM

Just Keep Moving Exersize DVD and Pedometer

Sober X Hangover Patch

Dialene Fat Incinerator

Penn Carabineer Sports Watch

Bizarre Facts

1. China has close to 25% of the world's population.
2. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.
3. Cows sweat through their noses.
4. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
5. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.
6. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.
7. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.
8. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.
9. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.
10. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
11. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
12. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.
13. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.
14. Did you know that 85.7% of statistics are made up?
15. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
16. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.
17. China was the first country to use paper money.
18. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.
19. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
20. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.

SOURCE: Dave's Daily

Respect

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather Abuelo in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.
"It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says Grandpa.
"We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abuelo says with a big smile.
"There’s a musician here -- he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro‘!"
"There is a judge in here -- he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor‘!"
"There’s a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor‘!"
"And me -- I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘That Fucking Mexican’.

Have A Ball

Testicle Festival held for a good cause
WOODRUFF, Utah (UPI) -- The eighth annual Testicle Festival in Woodruff, Utah, has helped raised nearly $30,000 for charity by dispensing plenty of bull testicles, volunteers say.

Festival volunteer Lori Cornia said in addition to raising donations, the Black Gold Cattle Co. event served plenty of deep-fried bull testicles, also known as "Rocky Mountain Oysters," The Salt Lake Tribune reported.

"Some people have trouble with them," Cornia said. "Just think of it as veal."

The event, which had 250 pounds of the "Oysters" available for visitors, also included old-time rodeo events such as team branding and range bull riding.

Cornia said the festival was an annual chance for people to enjoy the food once seen as a rare treat by farmers' friends and family.

"It was considered a treat, since they only got it once a year," she told the Tribune. "Of course, you probably wouldn't want to eat it more than that."