They Bronzed WHAT?

Tom "Not Of This Planet" Cruise has had his baby daughter, Suri's poop bronzed.

No, I'm not going to say that ever again.

Courtesy of Sweet. Well, I guess it's courtesy of Suri but,...

You know what I mean!

Here is Sweet.


This is having to much time on your hands!

Art?

Don't think so.

I sure hope I don't have to explain this one to Bobby!

Sweet

See it here. I dare you!

And Sweet? I was hoping you could explain it to me!

Ira Is At It Again

Remember Ira? Ira Hirsh is who I mean. He is a friend of mine from the Red Tongue website. His is an excellent brand of humor. His style is funny, but unlike anything you've seen before.

Well, he has some new material. He calls it "Cheesy Videos" and they are great. Head on over and check them out. He told me I would love them and he was right!

Thanks Ira, we need all the quality entertainment we can get. It's getting to be hard to find.
But certainty not at Red Tongue!

Your Fired

Corrine told me this story about someone she knows, but she wouldn't tell me who it was.

I think it was Bobby!

Sorry, Bob!



Why I was fired

For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

You'll Never Guess Who This Is From

How Corrine gets so much material, and all of it good, is beyond me.

Oh, and dead on with the Ohio facts, Corrine. I've lived here all my life. I'm not sure why.


This is so funny and true!!

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio
All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"
You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati!
"Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.
Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!)
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!

Fitness Instructor Corrine

Corrine has develpoed an exersize routine for older persons who would like to stay in shape but don't want a strenuous drill wearing them down.


Exercise Routine

If you're over 40, (or feel like it) you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

This may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN...






























NOW SCROLL UP.

That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a Beer.

Storytime With Corrine

Corrine has another story. This is a great one.
Thanks Corrine, I don't know how you keep doing it, but keep doing it!


What Marriage Is About

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are us ed to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"



She answered...





(This is great!)









"THE TEETH".

Condom Lesson

A lesson on condoms from Corrine. It'll make you think.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!"exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc.

Corrine Has A Story About An Ass

That's right, but this one has a moral.
So pay attention.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: ....

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Shy Miss Fenster

From Irene. For the college crowd out there.

The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"
"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.
Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye."
"Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions.

One: You didn't study last night's assignment.
Two: You have a dirty mind
Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

Corrine, Redneck Expert

From Corrine.

Tell me she ain't an expert in the field.

You'll LOVE this one....hope no one takes offense to this, but this one's funny, right here...I don't care who you are, this one's funny:


United States Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elitefighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Caronlina, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pick ups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Psychopath Test

Corrine came up with this test for psychos.

I answered it correctly and I am NOT a psychopath (No, I'm not. Shut up Joe).

Can you guess what my answer was? It's at the bottom.

What's your answer!
Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, But never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]

Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list...


My answer was; She is a psychopath.

Time For A Stupid Saying

I was working on the muffler on my truck today and it left me exhausted.

I wondered why, as I rode my motorcycle home, and then it struck me.

I was two tired!


I had to get that out of me. I'm glad it's over and no one was hurt.

Dear Tide

Consumer brand manufacturers always appreciate a note from customers praising their products. Here is one that Corrine found for Tide detergent. I'll bet they live for note like this one.

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product!

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Gas Prices

Corrine mentioned gas prices the other day.
"I wonder what the rest of the world thinks about the price of gas?", she asked.
"Well, why don't you do some research and find out what they pay?", I said.
"I already know, smart ass. That sounded cocky. I wonder how cocky you'd be with your undershorts three feet up your butt?", she stated.

I thought about running, but it seemed so pointless.


Gasoline Prices From Around The World

Oslo , Norway - $6.82 a gallon for unleaded regular, in US dollars
London ,UK $5.96
Rome , Italy $5.80
Brussels , Belgium $6.16,
Hong Kong $6.25
Tokyo , Japan $5.25
Sao Paulo , Brazil $4.42
Buenos Aires , Argentina $2.09
Mexico City $2.22
Sidney , Australia $3.42
Johannesburg , South Africa $3.39
New Delhi , India $3.71
Here's the kicker!Caracas $0.12!!!
Kuwait $0.78!!
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia $0.91!!

Corrine's Driving Tips

Corrine has a driving tip.

For the record, I would always choose to follow the bicycle instead of passing it simply because it is safer. And I am always a courteous driver.

No, really.

What?

WHAT?

Traffic Question

Most men will get this right!

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

Poetry By Carrie

Carrie from the Moon Connection, not this moon connection, or this one, or even this one (and certainly NOT the Noon Connection, don't even GO there), but THE Moon Connection, has written a poem for me.

I think she likes me.

I feel giggly all over.

I hear they make a soap for that.

Here is her poem.


What is a Cleveland Brown?

A Bengal is a tiger
And a fast plane is a Jet.
A Cowboy comes from Texas
And a Raider's tough I'll bet.

A Viking's from the frigid north.
Seahawks live near the sea.
All are names of football teams,
Just like they ought to be.

But there's one name that makes no sense
It causes me to frown
Can anyone enlighten me?
Just what's a Cleveland Brown?!

I don't know if it is true,
But I think I've heard a theory;
That Cleveland named its team
After the color of Lake Erie.

Brown does not describe
A big and strong athletic man.
It's what's inside the diaper
Of a baby Steeler's fan.

The guy who named this football team
Must be the Cleveland clown
Who else would think to call
A football warrior a Brown!!

If I'd been born in Cleveland
And there my life was spent,
I'd find another team to cheer
From pure embarrassment.

I myself, have always loved
The Steelers Black and Gold.
I did when I was very young,
And I will when I am old.

But why's this name an adjective
When it should be a noun?
Can anybody tell me
What the hell's a Cleveland Brown?!

Advice From Unicorn Mary

Mary is an old friend of mine. She is a great person. We don't talk as much ever since she moved to FLA, but we stay in touch.
She finally showed up here. She probably would have been here sooner but I forgot to tell her about this place. My bad.
Anyway, it's great to have Mary here finally. Say hello to her and welcome her aboard. I've always enjoyed talking to her. She is intelligent and fun to be around. She has a race car which she drives herself and can outdrink most guys.

Oh, and she's a cutie too!

There's some mighty fine advice in these words.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
]FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk..
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

A Real Lifesaver

This comes from my wife.

A Bowl of Lifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the 'taste senses' of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The students began to say what they tasted...
" Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.......orange,"
Finally the teacher gave them all Honey flavored Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste so the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God! They're assholes!"

Cool Websites

Pickup Line Generator

Celebrities Real Names

Zobmondo The game.

Blanks On A Blank Based on 'Snakes On A Plane".

Celebrity Shack Buncha noise about celebs.

Pop Culture Madness

Freebies

Tofutti

Folgers Gourmet Selections

Ten Commandment Lapel Pin

Reality CD Sampler

Luggage Tag

Teen Beauty Kit

Rant Alert

Corrine gave me a copy of an on air rant written by a radio DJ friend of hers. She asked me if we could post it on here. I said no, it's too long.

I saw the fire in her eyes again.

So here it is.


I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!
By Rick Roberts - 760 KFMB AM
I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but here's the bottom line, I want my country back.
I want my kids to be able to walk to the store or walk to school without being abducted by some 3-time convicted child molester. And the politically correct powers that be in this country just can't seem to get over themselves with "CAN'T WE JUST HELP THIS PERSON!" No! You can't. But they're let loose to prey on more children.
I want my kids back.
I want my country back.
I don't agree with everything this President does. I've never agreed with anything 100% that any President has done or said.
You know, I was very young during the Vietnam War. So I probably missed that thing by a hair. I don't know whether I would have agreed with that or not at the time. I was too stupid to have an opinion at that point and time even though I thought I did.
I want my country back.
I want some semblance of respect for authority, whether I agree with it all or not.
I want the Boy Scouts to be "boy" scouts, not boy and "we think she's a girl" scouts. I want Girl Scouts to be "girl" scouts not Girl Scouts and "Bruce."
I want my country back.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing that I can walk outside without some gang-banger on parole taking my life.
Or being able to go down and purchase a car without having to worry about you know 90% of the parts being made overseas in some sweatshop.
I want my politicians, when they finally do get my vote, to do what they said they were going to do in the first place.
I want the Abramoff's of the world to be labeled what they....nothing more than organized crime in a better suit.
I want people to say something and when they say something look at me in the eye. And mean what they say. Not say what they think I want to hear.
And then do what they want to later politically or any other way.
I want to be able to go out and work and make a decent wage and buy a home.
Half the people that are listening to me right now can't even afford to buy a house unless they're working three jobs.
And I want America to be America. All of those opportunities, all of those things that made her great, I want those returned to the forefront.
If you want to come to this country we welcome you with open arms. We simply ask that you abide by our laws. I don't want you to snub your nose at our laws, then take advantage of our opportunities, and then cling to the constitution most of which you can't even read because you don't speak the language.
I want us to secure our borders because the country is worth securing. The people that live here are worth protecting.
I want my country back.
I want my children back. I want some semblance of what this country used to be.
It's worth protecting. It's worth defending. I don't recognize this country anymore.
Not politically, not philosophically, not spiritually.
Whether you like it or whether you don't, God was a part of building this great nation. To remove him is to take away the very foundation of what this country was all about.
I don't care about your political correctness!
I don't want to know your sexual preference!
I could care less about all of that. Stop making it the headline of the day!
That's not America.
I want my country back!
And the only way I'm ever going to be able to get this country back is if I reach out to the brothers and the sisters that all feel the same way and we say No! You can't have our country. It's not for sale! Take the price tag off this country!
Take the price tag off the heads of our children! Stop it already!
The politically-correct-psychobabble-hug-a-tree-experts ~~ You are not qualified to release sex offenders back into our neighborhoods.
The southern border, more than any other border, needs to be secured tomorrow. For all those that wish to come to this country to take advantage of her opportunity, to live under a constitution~ a living document that breathes in and out just like you do~ this country is not for sale. I should know. I'm one of the owners. You can't sell it without my
permission.
I want my country back!

New Errors By Corrine

Corrine showed me some new error messages on her computer that I have never seen before.

I think she made them up.

But don't tell her I said that.

An Important Message From Corrine

This story touched me. I have always held the United States Armed Forces in the highest respect. I did not realize how many others did as well. I have been on many, many flights. The 'deplaneing procedure' always reminded me of a livestock auction. But this is an amazing sight.

A Simple Thank You

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq . I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days. I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.
Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."
Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do .
signed: Stuart Margel -- Washington , D.C.


Also, here are two very touching photos honored at this years International Picture of the Year.






When 2nd Lt. James Cathey's body arrived at the Reno Airport, Marines climbed into the cargo hold of the plane and draped the flag over his casket as passengers watched the family gather on the tarmac.
During the arrival of another Marine's casket last year at Denver International Airport, Major Steve Beck described the scene as so powerful:
"See the people in the windows? They sat right there in the plane, watching those Marines. You gotta wonder what's going through their minds, knowing that they're on the plane that brought him home," he said. "They will remember being on that plane for the rest of their lives.
They're going to remember bringing that Marine home. And they should."




The night before the burial of her husband's body, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of 'Cat,' and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. "I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it," she said. "I think that's what he would have wanted."

Saturday Night Entertainment

Here to entertain you on this fine Saturday evening, live and in person, kinda, is the great Corrine!


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. " I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

From Corrine

No comment.

An Analogy

Corrine has an analogy. I like analogies, but I've never heard this one.

FRIENDS FOREVER!

Friends are like butt cheeks.




Crap separates them.....But they always come back together!

So send this to all your butt cheeks!

I love my friends!!!

That's not what you told me when we had our 'painful' talk!

Sorry! Don't hit me!
FOOTNOTE: This is a joke between Corrine and I. She has never even threatened to strike me. Corrine is a sweetheart through and through.

Carrie And The ACLU

The (remind self that I don’t swear) ACLU is trying hard to take good care of us stupid peasants. We need to do all that we can to help the (remind self that I don’t swear) ACLU.
Here is Carrie, from the Moon Connection, to let us know what we can do for this organization, the (remind self that I don’t swear) ACLU.

Have some fun and do something really worthwhile too!
Fun with the ACLU
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD!

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.

Here's the Address, just don't be rude or crude.

ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a Holiday Tree. . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!! And pass this on. We really want to communicate with the ACLU!

They really DESERVE us!!

Congressional Record

Corrine has been watching our Congress at work (?) and has this report for us. Keep in mind that these individuals will tell you that they vote the way they do because that is what their 'constituents' wanted.

To help you better understand these persons and what they are talking about, I will post their definition here.

Constituents ; People I blame things on when it is in fact what I wanted.


38 SENATORS VOTED TODAY AGAINST MAKING ENGLISH THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF AMERICA.

HERE THEY ARE: Akaka (D-HI) Bayh (D-IN) Biden (D-DE) Bingaman (D-NM) Boxer (D-C A) Cantwell (D-WA) Clinton (D-NY) ! Dayton (D-MN) Dodd (D-CT) Domenici (R-NM) Durbin (D-IL) Feingold (D-WI) Feinstein (D-CA) Harkin (D-IA) Inouye (D-HI) Jeffords (I-VT) Kennedy (D-MA) Kerry (D-MA) ! Kohl (D-WI) Lautenberg (D-NJ) Leahy (D-VT) Levin (D-MI) Lieberman (D-CT) Menendez (D-NJ) Mikulski (D-MD) Murray (D-WA) Obama (D-IL) Reed (D-RI) Reid (D-NV) Salazar (D-CO) Sarbanes (D-MD) Schumer (D-NY) Stabenow (D-MI) Wyden (D-OR)

REMEMBER THIS THE DAY YOU VOTE.
Are these people completely stupid?


Can I venture a guess?

Latest Saddam News. Or Jokes. No, News.

This Saddam idiot is beyond amazing. After all he has done, he still fights the court on stupid matters that only delay the inevitable*. And I don't mean about the charges being false. He doesn't deny them. Everyone knows he did these things. And he knows they know. So he continually challenges the legitimacy of the court. Does that not sound like a whine from a guilty man?

Here are some of the latest happenings at his trial. Incidentally, Saddam has been appearing in an exquisitely tailored prison issue orange jumpsuit. He accompanied this ensemble with his own ugly mug and whatever is left of his pint sized brain. Accessories included finely polished chrome handcuffs and matching leg irons. He received this contemporary outfit from his cellmate, Abdul, who has formally announced that he and Saddam are now Man and Bitch.

Saddam Trial: Survivor of Poison Gas Attack Testifies
By RAWYA RAGEH - Associated Press
BAGHDAD, Iraq - A survivor testified Wednesday at the genocide trial of Saddam Hussein that Iraqi warplanes bombarded a Kurdish village with chemical weapons in 1987 and helicopters pursued those who fled into the hills and bombed them.
For a second day, survivors took the stand in the trial, in which Saddam and six co-defendants are charged over the 1987-88 Anfal campaign, a military sweep against the Kurds of northern Iraq in which tens of thousands of people were killed.
After hearing from four survivors, chief judge Abdullah al-Amiri adjourned the trial until Sept. 11, to allow time to consider an appeal from defense lawyers about the court's legitimacy.

He drops poison gas on his own people. I know he doesn't like the Kurds, but if you are the President of a country, everyone living in that country is in your care. And that care should be good and helpful.

I'm sure Saddam testified something like this;
"Poison gas? I thought it was cologne! I'm a sweet guy, really!"
Abdul, who accompanied Saddam to the proceeding, was overheard telling Saddam, "Shut up Bitch! I told you to save that sweet little mouth for...(unintelligible)"

And of course he once again challenged the court's legitimacy. This would be a good place to apply Saddam's own rules. Can you guess what happened to anyone who questioned Saddam's legitimacy as President of Iraq?

I remember several months ago he stood up and declared, "I do not recognize this court".
Probably because the court was wearing funny glasses with a fake nose at the time. And I think I just stole that line from Christobol, who happens to be a recognized authority on beer tasting and renowned judge of beer quality the world over and on at least one other planet. Oh, and he writes a mean page too! Plus he can ski. And sing at the same time!

But he does stop skiing when he writes.

I think.

The rest of the above mentioned news article is here.

*I say hanged by the jewels. Cbol thinks flesh eating bacteria poured into his ear.

We do not have a bet going.

Freebies

Durex Play

OS Signature

DuraShield

Pledge Allegiance Bumpersticker

Amigo Juice

Software Lots of free downloadable software for the taking.
Thanks go to Bobby for this great find.

Corrine Found A New Airline

WELCOME TO TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!

We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS,
SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.

AND REMEMBER, If a Muslim sees a naked woman, he is obliged to commit suicide!

From Carrie

The Moon Connection Carrie. This is a great one.



MISS BLACK AMERICA

There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year because no one wants to wear the banner that says IDAHO.

Drinking Buddies

This is from Carrie at the Moon Connection. It's a good one.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said , "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings.
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,
nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Real Men Do Cook

(Echo, echo, echo).

Has anyone out there had one of Geno’s “killer” breakfasts? I have and they are great! And we all know Geno is a real man!

Stephen King ~ novelist, bakes bread to relax. He enjoys kneading it.
And lastly, he makes Lunchtime Gloop for his kids.

Lunchtime Gloop

2 cans of Franco American Spaghetti (without meatballs)
1 pound of cheap, greasy hamburger.
Brown hamburger in large skillet.

Add spaghetti, heat through serve with buttered Wonder Bread.

I also have a great “Lemon Mousse” recipe from Leonard Bernstein (conductor, pianist, and composer).

So there you go! Real Men that cook!

FOOTNOTE: This post was done completely by Sweet.

Australians Do Not Mince Words

Corrine was looking into the Islamic situation in Australia. This is was she discovered.

Here is Australian Prime Minister John Howard and Treasurer Peter Costello's response to Muslims who requested Sharia law or a theocratic state for themselves in Australia.

I agree completely and I believe this kind of thinking would help the USA in a great way.

Mike, you must be proud.


Australia's stance on Islamism

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks

A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you," he said on national television.

"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are 2 laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and, another, the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option," Costello said.

Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically, people who don't want to be Australians and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well, then, they can basically clear off," he said.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques quote:

"IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."

"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia."

"However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand."

"This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."

"This culture has been developed over 2 centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"

"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, LEARN THE LANGUAGE!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right-wing political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others.

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.'"

"If you aren't happy here, then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."


And Corrine has this to add.

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, American citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voting the same truths!

We Have A Misguided Individual Here

Here is what one person wrote in response to the Post Office announcing the release of an EID Muslim Holiday stamp. See if you can spot the error in this person's thinking.

Subject: USPS Christmas Stamp
CHRISTMAS STAMP
How ironic is this??!! They don't even believe in Christ and they're getting their own Christmas stamp, but don't dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property?
USPS New Stamp
This one is impossible to believe. Scroll down for the text.
If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it
be this!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of PanAm Flight 103!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military barracks in Saudi Arabia!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001!
REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!
Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp.
REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp when purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors. ! REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know.


That is so wrong, so completely off base that there is no way to save it. The terrorists who caused these terrible and pointlessly stupid events were Muslims. But should that condemn all Muslims everywhere? Of course not. That would be the same as saying Jeffrey Dahmer was white, so all white people must be insane murderers. Or John Gotti was Italian, so all Italians must be criminals. Or the writer of that drivel has brown hair, so everyone with brown hair must be a moron. To condemn an entire race of people because of the actions of a few of them is not logical or correct. What that is is racism, be it their race or religion. And that is just so wrong. Remember our founding fathers mentioned something about "regardless of race, creed or color". Racism indicates a lack of understanding in a person. And that in turn indicates a lack of intelligence.

My wife has a response to that misguided individual. Here are her feelings in her own words.

I couldn't have said it better.

I think this is showing true religion in action. We, all of humanity, are so unaccepting of any other religion but our own. All major wars and fighting can be traced back to some sort of religious disagreements. It is all so sad. It is not the religion that is to blame, but our lack of grace. I'm not talking only about Americans, but all religions and races. It is not the Muslim religion that attacked America, it was Muslim extremists. They are not true Muslims and the sooner everyone accepts that, we are further along the path of acceptance. There are nutcases in all religions around the world that put a bad face on the overall picture of the religion and it is sad that they hide simple power lust and hate behind a religious seal... It is not a religion that attacked America, it was pure hatred in a Trojan horse. I have no problem with the Muslims or any religion. I do, however, have a big problem with assholes of any religion or race.
We all share this world, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and we are doing a pretty shoddy job of it. All it takes is one nutjob to get a following and all hell breaks loose. These are greedy, selfish, power hungry, evil people that hate anything they don't have. They do not belong to the religion they puppet around with. They use it to get what they want and there are always people insecure enough in themselves that will follow this nut no matter what he or she does. Shame on them for being so uninformed and empty headed.
I think there is one God, and many interpretations of that entity, they should all coexist in comfort. It is a personal choice to believe(or not to believe) in whatever religion is the easiest for you as an individual to understand. But, there are evil people that lead followers astray. Be smart and do good in this world. Be accepting of others and know that we all have a right to be different, this doesn't mean we can't get along anyway.
I have no problem with the stamp as there are many American Muslims as well who are devastated by what the evil jerks have done to their religion. Just as there are Americans who are embarrassed by the likes of Jerry Fallwell, Jim Bakker and the like. Jerks using religion to advance themselves. Extremists, pure and simple.
Sorry for the rant, but I don't agree with this e-mail at all. Shame on the person who originally started it. They don't understand at all and there is another problem we have. Knowledge will set you free...

Hey Geno, Let's Go Swimming!

I've found the perfect place!

Corrine's Research

Corrine has done some research on 'Peaceful Islam'. This religion claims to be peaceful. That's not what I've seen. Corrine studied a march they had in London, where they apparently came to spread their message of peace. Here she is with her report.


All I can say is I'm glad they're peaceful!!! Good Grief!!

These pictures tell it all!
Muslims have stated that England will be the first country they take over!
These are pictures not shown on American TV or in American Newspapers (as they might help Bush's war on terror), but were forwarded to me by a Canadian friend who thought Americans ought to know!

These pictures are of Muslims marching through the streets of London during their recent"Religion of Peace Demonstration.

Why would anyone think that we should be at war with such nice, peaceful Muslims!
Americans need to know.


Thanks Corrine. Once again you've scared me. Let me add this. I believe that peace can be obtained with these people. But only if the proper tools are used. And those tools involve the words 'Thermo' and 'Nuclear'.

I have never used profanity on this site. But I am willing to make an exception for these shitheads. Are they crazy? Threats do not make peace. Unless the peace they want is a piece of me! Why do they think the deaths of over three thousand innocent people is a good thing? Probably the same reason they think the holocaust is. And why do they have to hide their faces like common criminals?

That was a hypothetical question. I know why.

You shitheads! Go home and reread your Koran, or Qur'an. Because that is NOT what is says.
Muhammad taught that you should leave you fellow man in peace, not in pieces! Islam is a great religion. I have friends and customers who are Islamic. If you genuinely mean what you say on your signs, then you must butcher, massacre, behead and slay yourselves. For you are the ones who slander and insult Islam.

I understand that our government has some aging nuclear weapons that they need to dispose of. May I offer a suggestion? After all, how can you make peace with people of this mentality?

Shitheads.

And to my readers: I apologize for the profanity, but I felt it was necessary in this one case. It won't happen again.

New T Shirt Alert

I'd advise against this shirt.

At least for the guys.

Smokers Beware

Man fined over cigarette ash
A driver has been handed a £75 fine for flicking his cigarette ash out of his car window.
Alan Joyce, from Poole, Dorset, was sent a fixed penalty notice telling him to pay the fine within 14 days or face court action.

I bring this up to remind all of the smokers that cops are taking advantage of this law here to remove your hard earned cash from you. Ohio passed a new law very quietly last year making it a $500 fine for throwing your butt out of your window while driving.

I guess they need the money.

I'd like to point out the stupidity of this law by mentioning that cigarette butts ARE biodegradable. They are paper and cotton. If they were not, we would have a wall of butts along every highway four feet tall.

Watch What You Say

Speaking Of Recipes...

Quite some time back, it was in the sixties, I was watching one of Julia Child's cooking shows on television. One of the items to be made that day was Swedish dill bread. At the appropriate point in the program Julia placed her hands into the large bowl and uttered in that voice Julia was famous for, "and for our next step we will knead the dill dough..."

This was followed by a long pause as Julia tried desperately to recover her composure.

Thanks to Trev.

Is Mike Tyson A Lawyer Now?

Man bites off ear!
It couldn't get more bizarre than this! A lawyer chewed off the ear of a man, in Varanasi, in a fight over property, police said.
Tarun Srivastava bit off the left ear of one Katwaru Patel in Badi Patiya locality under Bhelupura Police circle after he fought with him over property, police said.
The victim was immediately taken to hospital.

Man, That's Harsh

Crashed car gets parking ticket
A parking warden has been criticised for writing out a ticket for a car - after it had been involved in a crash.
The VW Golf was slapped with a £100 fixed penalty fine within hours of the accident.
Amazingly, the stranded car was given another ticket the next day by the same warden.
Passerby James Pennant said: "I was flabbergasted. The VW was clearly undriveable and the car it hit was on the other side of the road.
"It was obviously the scene of an accident. Someone could have been killed or badly injured - but that didn't stop him writing out a ticket. I told the warden what he was doing was atrocious but he just told me to go away."
It is believed no one was hurt in the accident in Barkingside, Essex.
A spokesman for parking firm APCO A apologised and said the tickets would be cancelled.
According to the Mirror he added: "When the attendant arrives for his next shift he will be asked why on earth he did what he did."

Watch How You Say It

This from Trev.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."