Contact Corrine

Corrine has been contributing quite a bit of good material to this site. So I asked her if I could post her email address for my readers wishing to contact her. She said, "Sure, use the one I gave you."

So here it is.

Noway@nohow.com

I can't get it to work, but it's probably just me.


UPDATE: Sweet has just let me know that her email address is exactly the same as Corrine's. So be warned if you use it, the email might go to both of them.

Corrine Vs Hallmark

Corrine wins hands down. Hallmark never had a chance.

Show them Corrine.


Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath ...
I pledge it till the end.
Why, you ask?
Because you are my friend.

Remember:
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you anyway.

A Few Freebies

Free Custom Apron

Vitabath

Safe Guard Canine

Schmackos

Children's Book

Corrine's Jewels Of Wisdom

Corrine hit me with these great points and observances on life as we know it. And we thought we should share theme with you. Here is the list straight from Corrine.


Points to ponder....

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents?
Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

Tramp's Book Club, Part Four

And now it's time for the latest installment of the book club. Let's see what's on the list today.

A Montana Restaurant Story From Corrine

Corrine told me a good story about celebrities and patriotism, I might have to go to Montana just to shake this guy's hand. Here is Corrine.

Montana Restaurant

The radio station America FM was doing one of its "Is Anyone Listening?" bits this morning.

The first question was, "Ever have a celebrity pull up with the 'Do you know who I am?' routine?"

A woman called in and said that a few years ago, while visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings,
MT, she had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait
was about 45 minutes; many ranchers and their wives were waiting.

Ted Turner and his wife Jane Fonda came into the restaurant and wanted a table.

The hostess informed them that they'd have to wait 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asked the hostess,
"Do you know who I am?" The hostess answered, "Yes, but you'll have to wait 45 minutes."
Then Jane asked if the manager was in. When the manager came out, he asked, "May I help you?"
"Do you know who we are?" both Ted and Jane asked. "Yes, but these folks have been waiting
and I can't put you ahead of them." Then Ted asked to speak to the owner.

The owner came out, and Jane again asked, "Do you know who I am?" The owner answered, "Yes, I do.

Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this restaurant and I am a Vietnam Veteran. Not only
will you not get a table ahead of my friends and neighbors who have been waiting here, but you
also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any night. Good bye."

Only in America - what a great country.

This is a true story and the name of the steak house is:

Sir Scott's Oasis Steakhouse
204 W. Main,
Manhattan, MT 59741
(406) 284-6929

If you ever get there, give this fellow a sharp salute, buy a steak, and tip the waitress. Keep passing this on.

We should never forget our national traitor!

And let's not forget what "our gal" Hillary said to the troops in Iraq, "This war has no support from the American public."

May Is Motorcycle Awareness Month

That's right. It's that time of year when all the motorcycles come out. Here is a pretty good explanation of how it feels to be a biker. This was given to me by my wife who loves to ride.

I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.
But, you didn't see me, put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.
I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.
But, you didn't see me, playing Santa at the local mall.
I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant.
But, you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.
I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by.
But, you didn't see me, driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.
I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children.
But, you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.
I saw you stare at my long hair.
But, you didn't see me, and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.
I saw you roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves.
But, you didn't see me, and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.
I saw you look in fright at my tattoos.
But, you didn't see me cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in my heart.
I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.
But, you didn't see me, going home to be with my family.
I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.
But, you didn't see me, when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.
I saw you, yelling at your kids in the car.
But, you didn't see me, pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me.
I saw you, reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.
But, you didn't see me, squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.
I saw you, race down the road in the rain.
But, you didn't see me, get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.
I saw you, run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time.
But, you didn't see me, trying to turn right.
I saw you, cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in.
But, you didn't see me, leave the road.
I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.
But, you didn't see me. I wasn't there.
I saw you, go home to your family.
But, you didn't see me.
Because, I died that day you cut me off.
I was just a biker,.....A person with friends and a family.
But, you didn't see me.
Anonymous


And this comes from Motorcycle.com quoting statistics from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration."
"Motorcycle fatalities rose 12 percent to 3,661"
Three thousand six hundred and sixty one.
Say it out loud.
Why? Because drivers claim they can't see motorcycles. I saw a guy one time wearing a shirt that said, "Why do bikers have to die for America's right to drive badly?" That says it all. I saw a pickup pull out in front of a friend of mine once. He is a great rider, Congo is his nickname. That is the only reason he is still here today. He locked up the bike and steered it around the truck while locked. First to the right, but the truck was too close to the curb. Then to the left, missing the truck by inches. This was a full dress Electra Glide. Congo is not a small person. Think of the biggest guy you know. Congo is bigger. After missing the truck, he stopped the bike in front of the truck sideways. I thought he was going to kill the guy. But Congo is an intelligent person. He explained to the guy, very loudly, the error of his ways. Then he told the guy that he shouldn't be allowed to drive. Then he took the keys from the truck and threw them a very long way off the road. And then he left. Point made.
I take a different approach. I installed a very bright headlight on my bike. It's a HID light. You've probably seen them, they are bluish. And bright. I've discovered a hidden benefit from it. When deer run out in front of me, it seems to scare them. Instead of freezing as they are known to do, they immediately run away. It has saved me a few times. I also wear a bright orange Harley T-shirt when I ride. You can spot it a mile away.
I have always had a certain style of riding. I call it "Pretend To Be Invisible". Does it work? I'm still here. You have to interpret things differently on a bike. Like this sign.

Know what it means? To a biker, it means "motorcycle's Killing Grounds Ahead".

So this is a month when someone somewhere decided it would be a good thing to call it an awareness month. Does it help? Who knows, but it doesn't hurt. The bottom line is you have to do something. Bright lights, bright clothes and an awareness that drivers aren't going to see you. When you see that sign, slow down. See a car coming out of a driveway, slow down. The life you save may be the dumb sonofabitch you would kill for messing up your bike.

Footnote: The site that provided the sign image is offering free American flag decals. You may request up to ten. SASE required. Here

.

My Other Bike

This is a pic of the bike I rode before I bought my Harley twenty one years ago. This is a Kawasaki ZR1, a factory racer. Bone stock, this thing took 15th place at Daytona. I built it. As it sits now, it'll do the quarter in 11.9 and top out at 131 mph. It will instantly stand on it's back wheel if you goose it in third gear. And it handles like a racer. If you want to push it, you have to wear racing leathers. Ever wonder why they have those thick pads on the knees? This thing lays over so far in turns, you can't bring it back up. You have to push it back up with your knee. And those front brakes, they will lift the back tire off the road. Here it is with it's new owner. I didn't even know it was for sale, but this guy saw it sitting at my house and had to have it. Fine by me. I love my Harley and I'm too old for that s**t. I once did an 800 foot burnout with this thing before I lost control. Ask Geno, he picked up what was left of me.

By The Grace Of God

There was a man who every morning let out a tremendous fart upon awakening. His wife didn't like this one bit and always told him that one day he would fart his guts out. So one Thanksgiving, she had an idea. To teach him a lesson, and just for fun, she took the guts from the turkey she was cleaning, snuck upstairs and put them down the back of his underwear as he slept. She smiled to herself at her silly prank. A little later she heard him wake up by the tremendous fart. She waited for his laughter but heard only silence.She wondered if maybe he hadn't noticed. He came downstairs looking very serious. He said, "You know that thing you always warned me about? Well, it happened. But by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I got it all back in."

I know the pic of my scoot has nothing to do with this story, but I couldn't think of a good one to post with this story. And I like posting pics of my scoot. If you have a bike, or a cool car, send me a pic and a description or story about it and I'll post it.

On The Road

Here is a shot of the bike at a garden place my wife wanted to check out. I want to check out the Italian restaurant up the road.

Wrong Line

I was at a party the other day and was standing in a line to get a beer for a long time. I finally got to the front of the line and was told I couldn't get a beer in this line. "Why not?", I asked. "Because you are in the wrong line", was the response. "The wrong line?", I inquired. "Yes", was the reply, "This is the punch line."

Okay, that was bad. I'm glad it's over with. I'll be heading out on my bike in a few minutes. I wanted to get a post up warning my readers that I'll probably be trying the new mobile blogging service. And if I put up a 'Pooch', I won't know it until I get home and see it. Or at least I won't be able to edit it until then. So bear with me.

Wait, what am I talking about? No one's going to be at home on this fine day. Here is a better idea. If you see me on a black and gold Harley Davidson with a fine looking lady on the back, wave to my wife and I.

Fire Bug

Here is a VW Beetle. Yup, another jet. This thing is 1,350 horsepower. He calls it 'Jet Under Glass'. And I thought I was getting bad fuel mileage. Right.

Here is what the owner had to say about this photo;
"Street racing action. The other guy wimped out after a few "big-fire" demonstrations. What you see in the picture is about one-twentieth the full size of the fireball. Guy standing beside car had never seen it run before and was smiling ear-to-ear throughout the show. Had I launched, I would have burned him to a crisp.There are three gauges for the jet: RPM, Oil Pressure, and Turbine Inlet Temperature.The most important is turbine inlet temperature. If you exceed about 1200 degrees for very long, you damage the engine.This is critical on start-up.You don't want a "hot-start".The throttle for the jet engine is located next to the gear selector.It is a lever and has three buttons: Cool, Big-Fire, and Afterburner. "Cool" leans out the engine and is used to lower the turbine inlet temperature if you get a hot-start.To light big-fire or the afterburner, you hold a button down and 1/2 second later, press the hot-streak button on the floor.Then things happen!"

I'll bet.

He continues, "We get this a lot. A police officer picking at his nose while trying to figure out what to charge me with. Notice the hopeful anticipation of us on the right. We're rooting for him and offer suggestions but unfortunately, the Department of Motor Vehicles did not anticipate such a vehicle so he's out of luck."

Thanks again to Carrie, who flew aboard jets for a big part of her life.

Corrine Followed The Rainbow

And guess what she found at the end of the rainbow.

The Top Five Surprises In The Da Vinci Code

Here are the best surprises in the new movie starring Tom Hanks.
Don't worry, this is a joke. It won't ruin the movie for you if you haven't seen it yet.


5. The "mystery" guest at the Last Supper? Wilson the volleyball.

4. The Louvre has a Cinnabon!

3. Tom Hanks' Oscar-quality delivery of the line, "The Holy Grail is people! It's peopleeeeeeeeee!"

2. The hidden code can only be solved by collecting all the pieces to McDonald's new Last Supper Happy Meal game.

and the Number 1 Surprise in The Da Vinci Code...

It turns out the creepy albino guy wants to kill Tom Hanks to put him out of the misery of that dorky nouveau-mullet haircut.

True Facts

These facts have all been verified as true.

Molecularly speaking, water is actually much drier than sand.
The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.
The brand name "Jelly Belly" was created in 1982 after Nancy Reagan made a much-publicized quip about her husband's 20-pound weight gain.
The Internal Revenue Service audits 87 percent of women who claim breast implants as tax deductions.
Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.
Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they've been removed.
Comic duo Cheech and Chong were originally known as Spic and Span before changing due to pressure from Chicano organizations.
The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11,284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.
Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.
British pop singer Baby Spice is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Archduke William Pinkley-Hogue of Standishfordshire, making her 103rd in line for the throne of England.
The curved shape of a hockey stick is a throwback to prehistoric use of mastodon tusks in a similar game.
A Native American tribe in South Dakota collects bottle caps left by campers, using them as currency. Several banks in the area now recognize the caps as legal tender.
Fish have "dandruff" caused by flaking skin, and it is impossible to filter all traces of it from drinking water.
Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.
The first case of the common cold was diagnosed in 1611 in Stratford, England. The patient? John Common, who coincidentally gave his cold to William Shakespeare who said the new malady exacerbated his lovesickness, thereby inspiring several of his most fondly remembered sonnets.

More Cool Websites

Here is the next round of cool websites to visit.

How To Clean Anything

Guess Their Age

The Museum of Food Anomalies

What To Do If The Internet Goes Down Number 10 is my favorite.

Meet Me At Midnight

Geoffrey Chaucer's Blog

Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while." "Tom who?" I asked. My mother translated for me:

"Tom Cruise, of course."

Great Weekend For Motorcycles

With the holiday coming up and the weather taking shape, this is going to be a great weekend to be on a sled. Harley, Honda, Kawasaki, Yamaha, Suzuki, BMW, Truimph, Ariel, Hodaka, Henderson, Indian, Moto Guzzi, Norton, BSA, it doesn't matter. I've always said, "It's not what you ride, it's THAT you ride".

Looking for something to do this weekend on your bike. Try this place to find bike happenings in your area. And don't think for a minute that you have to own a bike to go to these events. Stop by for the party. It might cause you to become interested in getting one. At the very least, you'll have a good time. Scooter people are good people. We know how to have fun.

And anyone out there thinks they have a fast bike (I'm talking to you, Geno), I know a guy with a Honda scooter that'll blow you away. Literally. Bring it.

Yeah, that's two jet engines on a Honda scooter. And that second photo is the view you'll have if your crazy enough to race him. But don't. On full afterburner they make for a hell of a barbeque. Thanks to Carrie at the Moon Connection for these photos.

Some Freebies For You

Dupont Color Design Guide

emerginC

Scoopex

Lemonade Stand

Challenge Cup

Valerin

Holiday Weekend Weather

Here we go into the first holiday weekend of summer. And the weather is going to cooperate. At least here in Ohio. Here is the most accurate weather forecast available in selected cities around the nation for this holiday weekend where I seem to have a lot of readers.

Note: Weather removed as no one cares now. It's old news.

If I receive a lot of comments about people liking this, I will continue to do it for every holiday we have coming up. If I missed your area and you would like one of these posted, leave a comment and I will add it. I mean anywhere, no matter how small your town. And if you don't like your weather, don't shoot the messenger. I'm talking to you, Atlanta!

Readership statistics furnished by Sitemeter.

Tramp's Book Club, Part Three

Here are the latest soon-to-be bestsellers from my book club. And I have some great ones today.

Corrine Is Going From Funny To Heartwarming

The latest from Corrine is so sweet it'll make your teeth rot. I loved it. Here is Corrine with a great story


THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear."Information.""I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came the question. "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered." Are you bleeding?" the voice asked. "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please", and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy. A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so, on the phone with my sister, who lived there now.
Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well." Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very old friend", I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered. "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Here, let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up.
I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today? Why not pass this on? I just did....
Lifting you on eagle's wings.
May you find the joy and peace you long for.
Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour.
I loved this story and just had to pass it on.
I hope you enjoy it and get a blessing from it just as I did.

Corrine Thinks She's Funny

Corrine sent this to me. She said it was funny. I don't get it.


1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


OK, I do get it.
But I don't think it's funny.

OK, I do think it's funny. But I won't admit it.

Crap!

With Apologies

In my 'Top Five' post, I affectionately posted humorous photos of Christobol and Carrie. To make up for it, I am now going to post their legitimate photos. Sorry. I'm glad you both have an excellent sense of humor. And it shows in your sites, that's why I like them. I love good humor.

Here are their real photos.


I'm also glad they each live far enough away, they can't come over and slap me around.

How's The Weather

I was thinking about how important the weather is, especially on a weekend like the one coming up. A holiday weekend is when the weather becomes even more important. People always ask me about the weather because I am almost always dead on. They tell me what they heard on The Weather Channel and I usually contradict them. They will say no, you're wrong. But the next day, they call and say, "How did you know? That's not what the Weather Channel said!" The Weather Channel, do they ever look outside? I think they use a dartboard for predictions.

So anyway, I thought about putting a weather forecast on this site. But it quickly became obvious that this report was far too regional. What does someone in California, or Texas, or New York care about the weather in northeast Ohio? That won't work. But I know what will. I can simply reveal my source. For the finest and most accurate weather predictions around, click here.

You're welcome.

Mr. Daniels Was On The Right Track

Corrine has informed me of the latest stats on the Mexican boycott. Looks like Charlie knows what he's talking about. Here are the numbers from Corrine.


Boycott Results

On May 1st, as a result of the Mexican boycott, national retailers reported 4.2% lower sales for the day, with a 67.8% reduction in shoplifting.


Now what was Charlie saying about not respecting the law?

Busy Night

I have been busy tonight. I worked till six. I had to pick up a dresser for my Lady on the way home. Then I put an automatic sprinkler system in for the wife's garden in front of the house. Had to chainsaw some stumps that interfered with the sprinklers. Wacked weeds. And finally, when that was all done, I brewed a new batch of beer.
This, I believe, is going to be my best yet. It's a Czech Pilsener with a lot of hops. Saaz hops. Good stuff, trust me. I loaded it with malt till it hit about six percent alcohol. I'm planning to run slow fermentation along with secondary fermentation. So it should be a crisp, clear beer. But it will take about six weeks till it's ready.
I can wait.
Hell of a storm here tonight. Rain, wind and even a few tornados close by. It's not over yet. A few more hours and we'll be out of the woods, so to speak.
Suppose to be a great weekend though. Sunny, mid 80's and generally nice. Three day one, too. I'm planning to split it up between the bike, the river and the family cookout. In that order.
The next wave of our storm is arriving now. I wanted to get this posted before the power went out. I'll have more tomorrow.
Thanks for reading. My readers make my day.

And The Fix

And of course, Corrine isn't going to bring up a problem without offering a solution. To a couple problems even.
Here she is with her fix.

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.
Put the Florida alligators in it.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve?

I think that will do it for today, Corrine. Take five. And a bow.

Corrine Has Brought Her Best One Yet

Corrine brought this to my attention. What would I do without you, Corrine? Don't answer that. These words were spoken by a true American. Charlie Daniels, to be exact.

You are a smart man Mr. Daniels.
That's right. Anyone as insightful and intelligent as this fella, you call Mister.

Mexican Standoff:

I don't know how everybody else feels about it, but to me I think Hispanic people in this country, legally or illegally, made a huge public relations mistake with their recent demonstrations. I don't blame anybody in the world for wanting to come to the United States of America, as it is a truly wonderful place. But when the first thing you do when you set foot on American soil is illegal it is flat out wrong and I don't care how many lala land left heads come out of the woodwork and start trying to give me sensitivity lessons. I don't need sensitivity lessons; in fact I don't have anything against Mexicans!
I just have something against criminals and anybody who comes into this country illegally is a criminal and if you don't believe it try coming into America from a foreign country without a passport and see how far you get.
What disturbs me about the demonstrations is that it's tantamount to saying, "I am going to come into your country even if it means breaking your laws and there's nothing you can do about it." It's an "in your face" action and speaking just for me I don't like it one little bit and if there were a half dozen pairs of gonads in Washington bigger than English peas it wouldn't be happening. Where are you, you bunch of lily livered, pantywaist, forked tongued, sorry excuses for defenders of The Constitution?
Have you been drinking the water out of the Potomac again? And even if you pass a bill on immigration it will probably be so pork laden and watered down that it won't mean anything anyway. Besides, what good is any other law going to do when you won't enforce the ones on the books now? And what ever happened to the polls guys? I thought you folks were the quintessential finger wetters. Well you sure ain't paying any attention to the polls this time because somewhere around eighty percent of Americans want something done about this mess, and mess it is and getting bigger everyday.
This is no longer a problem; it is a dilemma and headed for being a tragedy. Do you honestly think that what happened in France with the Muslims can't happen here when the businesses who hire these people finally run out of jobs and a few million disillusioned Hispanics take to the streets? If you, Mr. President, Congressmen and Senators, knuckle under on this and refuse to do something meaningful it means that you care nothing for the kind of country your children and grandchildren will inherit. But I guess that doesn't matter as long as you get re-elected. Shame on you. One of the big problems in America today is that if you have the nerve to say anything derogatory about any group of people (except Christians) you are going to be screamed at by the media and called a racist, a bigot and anything else they can think of to call you.
Well I've been pounded by the media before and I'm still rockin' and rollin' and when it comes to speaking the truth I fear not. And the truth is that the gutless, gonad-less, milksop politicians are just about to sell out the United States of America because they don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to the face reality. And reality is that we would never allow any other group of people to have 12 million illegals in this country and turn around and say, "Oh its ok, ya'll can stay here if you'll just allow us to slap your wrist." And I know that some of you who read this column are saying "Well what's wrong with that?" I'll tell you what's wrong with it. These people could be from Mars as far as we know. We don't know who they are, where they are or what they're up to and the way the Congress is going we're not going to. Does this make sense? Labor force you say? We already subsidize corporate agriculture as it is, must we subsidize their labor as well? If these people were from Haiti or if they were from Somalia or Afghanistan would we be so fast to turn a blind eye to them? I think not. All the media shows us are pictures of hard working Hispanics who have crossed the border just to try to better their life. They don't show you pictures of the Feds rounding up members of MS 13, the violent gang who came across the same way the decent folks did. They don't tell you about the living conditions of the Mexican illegals some fat cat hired to pick his crop. I want to make two predictions.
No. 1: This situation is going to grow and fester until it erupts in violence on our streets while the wimps in Washington drag their toes in the dirt and try to figure how many tons of political hay they can make to the acre.
No 2: Somebody is going to cross that border with some kind of weapon of mass destruction and set it off in a major American city after which there will be a backlash such as this country has never experienced and the Capitol building in Washington will probably tilt as Congressmen and Senators rush to the other side of the issue. I don't know about you but I would love to see just one major politician stand up and say, "I don't care who I make mad and I don't care how many votes I lose, this is a desperate situation and I'm going to lead the fight to get it straightened out."
I don't blame anybody for wanting to come to America, but if you don't respect our immigration laws why should you respect any others. And by the way, this is America and our flag has stars and stripes. Please get that other one out of my face. Pray for our troops. What do you think?

God Bless America
Charlie Daniels
April 10, 2006

Who Wants To Get Really High?

This is what I build my equipment for.



And yes, it is crazy.

Cousin Skeeter's Backwoods Cookin'

Print these out and put them on a can of your favorite food for when company stops by. Watch their faces as you eat it right out of the can. Mmm, mmm good! Don't forget to ask the guests if they are hungry.

See the rest of them and buy some here.

Geno Goes To Sea World

He is never going to learn, is he? First the bull, now this.

File This Under 'Duh'

Never, and I mean never, piss a woman off. I thought everyone already knew that.




Thanks to Trevor Bain.

Spring Cleaning Tip From Sweet

Sweet sent in this spring cleaning tip that was submitted by her dog. Bad dog. Funny, but bad.

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog




Disclaimer: This is a joke. Do not try this at home. Never do anything that would harm an animal as they are our friends and probably more intelligent than most of the people we know.

Weird News

At least one judge in recent years accepted the defense of mistaken sexual intercourse when a man enters a dark bedroom and initiates sex with a woman he believes is his sexual partner, only to discover that it is another resident of the home. In a recent case, Paul Chappell, 31, raised the defense at his trial in Sydney, Australia, claiming that he (reportedly intoxicated) erroneously stumbled into bed with his new girlfriend's female housemate. Since the housemate's boyfriend was elsewhere in the house, she assumed that the boyfriend had decided to come to bed and that it was he having sex with her.

A three-year study at the PET Center at Arhus Hospital in Copenhagen, Denmark, reported in March, affirmed that the designer drug Ecstasy can cause depression in pigs.

Drawing heavy fire from critics in March was a Cdn$150,000 (US$135,000) grant from the Ontario government to researchers at Laurentian University, for the purpose of studying the sex drives of squirrels

These stories and more at Chuck Shepherd's News Of The Weird

Top Five Blog Time

It's been a while since I've done a top five blog post. Well, here I go again. I like a blog with well written humor and wit. Intelligent stuff, no fart jokes. Funny and warm. All of these sites offer that. And all are different. If I had to pick the best of the bunch, I couldn't do it.
And the envelope please. In no particular order, we have:

Dave Barry His Daveness. Nuff said.


Christobol An extremely multi talented man, Cbol has a quick wit and an excellent sense of humor as well as being an outstanding writer. He offers a variety of different pages (Gertrude and the Newz are must see pages). He is also the best columnist writing today. And he sings!

Samantha Burns Wide range of topics all done with a special brand of humor and a writing style all her own. Nothing gets past her razor sharp wit. Try and keep up. Sam will leave you smiling for a long time.



Slyeyes Excellent writer with interesting subject matter. This one draws you in with a warm, homey feeling unlike any other. Sly is a writer's writer.

Wolfie's Den A style of writing like no other. With a wit that will raise your eyebrows, Wolfie is a must see. Wide range of topics, always entertaining and not afraid to speak her piece. Slightly risque.



Moon Connection A relative newcomer, Carrie is picking up speed fast. Funny and thoughtful. A wit unlike anything you've seen before, she's a comic who strikes and is gone before you can laugh.

Yeah, I know that's six. We had a tie somewhere, okay? It was hard enough to pick just six. Visit them all for some good reading. But remember who sent you.

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Flight Attendant Uniforms Yes, this one is for Carrie.

Money Wallet

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Celebrity Safari

Joe And Buford

Joe was making his first visit to a hospital where his buddy Buford was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed Joe. "He don't know crap now."

SNAFU

That is an old acronym for 'Situation Normal, All Fouled Up". It seems to be widespread. This letter I received from Sweet showed me I'm not alone. And it will probably show you the same. Here is her letter.



Tramp,

I have a rant. Yes, a rant, as I sit at my computer with steam coming out of my ears. Why can’t people just do their jobs without being told every step of the way? I am starting to think I am the weird one! Okay, here is the story. I give my assistant two letters to write. Nothing hard mind you, just a letter to invite several different parties for dinner with my BOSS, along with the menu. Okay, easy right! This is what I get back.

Please join us for dinner on May 31, 2006 at the Blah Blah Dinner house at 7:00 pm.
My name and place for my signature.

Needless to say, this puts me over the edge since I walk the edge daily. Where is the menu? Where is the map for the out of town guest? Lastly, WHERE IS MY ENVELOPE FOR MAILING?

Does the word assistant mean anything anymore! This is why I work from 7:00 am to O dark thirty and weekends.

Okay I feel better now! Does anyone else have these problems or am I just weird.

Maybe I should apply for a job with Geno.

Sweet


With apologies to George Carlin. can I get an Amen?

The French Are Coming

I refuse to make fun of the French. I just don't think it's my place. And besides, I have Amy to do it for me. Thanks, Amy.

Kids Today

This from the newspaper. And no, I'm not going to say it.

Remember Your Pet This Father's Day

It's a good thing. I think.

Bye Bye Moronboy

It looks like Moronboy, the spammer, finally got the message. All quiet on the spammer front. These people are Slow with a capital S. Well, good riddance. And I have a parting gift for him.

........Moronboy, this one's for you.

Carrie Is On Fire!

Carrie, over at the Moon Connection, is simply on fire! I don't know where she is finding this new stuff. I just wish I'd found it first. Just kidding.

Head over and check her out. But don't forget to come back. Not kidding!

Tramp's Book Club, Part Two

It's time again for my book club. I have some great books today. These books have to be headed for the bestseller list. I can just feel it. Here are today's books.

Sandcastles

It's getting to be that time of year when we head to the beaches. And a big item at any beach has always been sandcastles. Of course, some people get carried away with anything they do. Like these people...

Geno Hard At Work

This story was sent to me by Geno's office assistant, whose name I can't use.





Geno's office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. Geno sent this reply...




"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."