Friday, November 30, 2007

Robert Craig "Evel" Knievel October 17, 1938 - November 30, 2007

Evel Knievel, the motorcycle daredevil whose stunts -- including an attempted leap over Idaho's Snake River Canyon -- made him a popular cultural figure, is dead, according to his Web site, evelknievel.com. He was 69.

Twas The Smell Before Christmas

A wonderful traditional Christmas poem from Jim, this actually stinks in a good way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a wonderful Christmas story my family shares at this time each year.
Wonderful memories.

’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
My bowels were a rumble, I’d eaten bad Grouse.
The toilet paper was hung from the spindle with care,
I sprayed some Lysol to freshen the air.

The children were pounding on the bathroom door,
I told them “You’ll wait or shit on the floor.”
Mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
I’d just settled down for a long winter’s crap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the throne in the mist of a spatter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters while wiping my ass.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Reminded me how badly I still had to go.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight smelly reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Schitt.
Faster than explosive diarrhea his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and farted, and called them by name;“

Now, Dookie! Now, Poo! Now, Mud Monkey and Excrement!
On, Feces! On Hankey! On, Defecation and Flatulent!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now break wind! Break wind! Pinch one off all!”

So up to the house-top the coursers they blew,
With an awful stench and eminence of doo.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The plunking and splatting of each little loaf.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Schitt came with a frown.
He was dressed all in fur, from his bottom to tip,
And his clothes were all covered with fresh reindeer shit.

A bundle of Charmin he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening the pack.
He searched for the crapper with fear in his eye,
A touch of the flu, “ Oh, I think I may die!”

He found said room as he grasped at his butt,
And was taken with horror, the door was locked shut.
Open this door or I’ll leave no presents up front!
Fuck you, St. Schitt, I’m taking a grunt!

He rapped on the door and rattled the knob,
“I must crap right now so finish your job!”
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed as I watched Schitt, shit on himself.

I opened the door and was knocked to the ground,
St. Schitt he did stink, I don’t want him around.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And cleaned out his drawers; then turned with a jerk,

And laying a brown finger aside of his nose,
He took a giant whiff of the odor that rose;
He sprang to his feet, to his team gave a yell,
And away they all flew like a bat out of hell.

But I heard him exclaim, at about half past eight,
“My ass is on fire, where’s my Preparation H.”

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Our Christmas Letter

.
.

Dear Friends,

It is that time of year again to share with you our adventures in this journey we call life. 2007 has been another year of magic and wonder...

Carrie is quite a talker. She continues to amaze the professors at the University with her intuition in foreign languages. It was fun for her to serve as Official Translator for Warren Christopher at the Bosnian-Serbian Peace Talks. She intends to spend this Holiday transcribing War and Peace into Arabic and Cantonese.

Southern Girl is growing in leaps and bounds. When she got her first set of building blocks she seemed quite interested in large buildings. This year she designed her first skyscraper and ground was broken in Hong Kong for the new "S-Girl" Towers. It is great to have a budding architect at home as she made a new addition to the house and a wonderful gazebo for our garden. Martha Stewart will be filming her next show here in April.

Sweet had a very busy year. In between her work as President of the American Cancer Society and Senior Partner of Goldman Sachs, she introduced a line of children's novels and hand made active-wear. She remains occupied with the children and has introduced them to Yoga and power walking this year. We are particularly proud of her as a starting forward representing the United States in the World Cup.

Corrine was immersed with her Graduate School studies, and managed to co-author a paper on Multidimensional Customer Attribute Analysis by Conjoint Survey and accept a Nobel Prize for her discoveries in Quantum Physics. Along the way she took three startups through their IPO. We are proud of her work serving on the Board of Directors of IBM, Coca-Cola, and Walt Disney.

Tramp was also active with the kids teaching Lauren Ballet and helping to lower Carrie’s handicap to 5.

We were able to squeeze a little traveling in this year. We started in Aspen, went to Belarus, the Congo, Denmark, Ethiopia, the Falklands, Greenland, Holland, Italy, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, New Zealand, Venezuela, and Zaire. Our trip sailing our new boat around the world was a great experience for the crew, we learned to communicate with Dolphins and discovered a new region of deep water volcanoes.

And Sergeant, our German shepherd, learned to speak. Latin. Other than that, it was a very quiet year. So from our household to yours, all the Blessings of the Season and may your New Year be prosperous. We found out yesterday that we won the $150 Million Powerball Lottery.

Merry Christmas!
The Riverbank Crew

There's A Different Type Of 'Car Jacking'

Judge puts brakes on car lover's public acts of affection
Karen Kleiss, The Edmonton Journal
Published: Saturday, November 24
EDMONTON - An Edmonton man who finds the curves of the 2007 BMW 328 impossible to resist was sentenced to time served and two years probation Friday.
The 45-year-old man pleaded guilty to three charges of indecent exposure for repeatedly climbing on top of cars in public and masturbating on them.
A psychiatric evaluation submitted in court Friday said the man is aroused by classic cars, such as the 1967 Camaro and the 1955 Chevy Bel Air.
"(He) announced that he is specifically sexually attracted to 'the roof top ... it's curved like a woman's body, the sex appeal, it felt good,' " psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods wrote in the report, noting the man is also sexually captivated by motorcycles.
The man was born with an under-functioning thyroid gland, which was left untreated and has led to minor mental retardation. The condition is also known as cretinism. He told his probation officer he was high on the fumes emitted by a permanent marker when he committed the crimes, said a pre-sentence report submitted Friday.
On March 22, he went to the Home and Garden show at the Northlands AgriCom and was caught pleasuring himself on top of the $50,000 BMW sedan.
A clean-up crew had to be called, but there was no damage to the paint surface of the BMW.
On May 24, the man was caught again on top of a 2005 green Mini-Cooper that was parked in the lot at a local Boston Pizza.
Finally, on June 12, he was charged when a citizen called police after witnessing the man pleasuring himself on a 1991 Buick Century.

Foreign Language

"I’m goin’ sleddin‘, swing by and pick up the house mouse and give the animals in their cages another shot at us. I need a run. I’ll send ya a kite, I’m in the wind."

Isn't it odd how subcultures in our soceity invent their own languages?

I've actually spoken that phrase before. And I probably will again.
Anyone want to guess what it means?

That is 'biker speak'. It means, "I am going to go for a motorcycle ride. I'll stop and pick up my wife, and give the automobile drivers another opportunity to collide with us. I want to go on a trip. I'll send you a letter, I will be out riding."

Like I said, odd.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Christmas Is Coming

For those of you who have Sweet on their gift list, you can't go wrong at the Poop Shop.

I'm thinking something that shows good taste and also tastes good!

I'm thinking...

Doo Drops is a delicious mound of chocolate, shaped exactly like a poo. In fact, it's so realistic looking, you'll swear you can smell a poo. But despite it's appearance, it's actually made from delicious Guittard chocolate - one of Europe's finest chocolatiers. One bite, and you'll almost forget you're eating a poo.

Give The Gift That Says, "You're Stupid!"

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really like the Hillary Nutcracker for a stocking stuffer...

xoxoxoxo

From Mother Teresa breath spray to a screaming rubber chicken, manufacturers come up with stockings full of stupid gifts in time for the holidays with one Web site dedicated to finding the most idiotic.
Web site Stupid.com, which claims finding a truly stupid gift is an art form, on Monday unveiled its list of the top 10 "stupidest" holiday gifts for 2007.
"These gifts are so ridiculously stupid that everyone will want them," said Stupid.com's founder Gary Apple in a statement.

Here is stupid.com's top 10.

1. Mistletoe To Go
In the mood for love but on the go? Consider this portable mistletoe. This attractive arrangement of faux mistletoe comes with a suction cup that attaches to your forehead.
2. The Hillary Nutcracker

Love her or hate her, this is a new take on Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton who, in holiday tradition, is made into a nutcracker.
3. Slingshot Monkey
The Slingshot Monkey is a stuffed monkey dressed like a superhero. It flies up to 50 feet and screams along the way.
4. Larry Craig Action Figure
The talking Senator Larry Craig action figure wears a T-shirt with his declaration: "I Am Not Gay." His limbs are bendable and he delivers a portion of his news conference after pleading guilty to lewd behavior in an airport bathroom.
5. Uncle Oinker's Gummy Bacon Candy
One of America's favorite smoked-meat product has been reproduced as a candy. Uncle Oinkers Gummy Bacon comes packaged the same way as real bacon and even looks like real bacon.
6. Inflatable Moosehead
No need to go through the expense and trouble of tracking down a moose and shooting it dead when you can simply buy an inflatable moose head for the trophy wall.
7. Electronic Yodeling Pickle
The electronic yodeling pickle is a 6-1/2" plastic pickle with a high-tech interior. When you press the pickle's button
it belts out a yodel reminiscent of the Swiss Alps.
8. Poo-lar Bear Candy
It's a plastic polar bear that you fill with candy poop so when you press down on the bear's hind quarters, he poops out a tasty treat.
9. Get Off the Phone Excuse Machine
If you have trouble getting off the phone from some people, this small electronic device could be the answer. Press a button for "Whoops, there's the door" or "I can't hear you, you're breaking up," and you can get off the hook.
10. USB dancer
This bikini-wearing dancer plugs into your computer's USB port and audio port and when sound plays on your system, she dances and gyrates around the pole.

Steak Fry

Sweet and Southern Girl were preparing a steak cook-out when Southern Girl asked, “Sweet, I know that Geno and Tramp always complain if the steaks aren’t cooked just right. Geno likes his rare and Tramp wants his medium. You seem to barbeque a lot of beef . What's difference between rare meat and medium meat?”

Sweet replies, “Oh, that’s easy.”
She held her hands up about six inches apart and said, “That’s medium.”
Then she moved her hands about a foot and a half apart and said, “That’s rare!”

Monday, November 26, 2007

Holiday Advice From Attorney Chill

Attorney Chill, Dr. Chill’s younger brother, returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season.
"Your free help was worth every penny," wrote one satisfied reader.
Another wrote, “You dimwitted moro...”
No, let‘s try a different one.
"Do you have malpractice insurance?" wrote ... oops, wrong again.

Okay, enough with the accolades and on with your questions.

Here is one from Ebenezer S.;
Q: I just got a Christmas card from somebody I hate. And another from someone I don't even know. Do I have to reciprocate?
Attorney Chill : Yes. You're required to send a card within ten days. Otherwise, you can be imprisoned pursuant to the Hallmark Profits Enhancement Act.
Q: Don't I have any other option?
Attorney Chill : Yes. Try a mutual fund with greeting card stocks.

This comes from Homer S.;
Q: I made a Christmas wreath out of eucalyptus leaves, berry sprigs, muslin, yarn and colorful votive candles.
Attorney Chill : Very nice, but how can I help you?
Q: Well, it looked great for a couple of days. Then it caught fire and destroyed everything I own.
Attorney Chill : I'm sorry to hear that. Next time you might consider using pinecones and potpourri.
Q: That sounds just lovely. But what I really want to know is, can I hold Martha Stewart liable?
Attorney Chill : Probably not, though you should ask for a subscription refund.

And this comes from Rosie O.’
Q: They hung mistletoe in my office, and I'm highly offended.
Attorney Chill : Why?
Q: It's sexual harassment.
Attorney Chill : I see. Has anyone ever kissed you while you were standing under the mistletoe?
Q: No.
Attorney Chill : What about when you weren't standing under the mistletoe.
Q: Certainly not.
Attorney Chill : That's what I thought.

Here is one from Marge S.;
Q: Every year I get stuck doing all shopping, cooking, cleaning, and gift wrapping, while my husband watches football and plays with the kids' new computer game.
Attorney Chill : Ooooooh, which game?
Q: QIN: Tomb of the... Wait, I don't want to talk about computer games; I want a divorce.
Attorney Chill : Then I'll need to know more. Does he help trim the tree or take care of the liquor?
Q: Oh, he takes care of the liquor all right.
Attorney Chill : Any other problems?
Q: Yes. Within hours he's broken half the gifts, and he makes me return them on the 26th.
Attorney Chill : Are malls involved?
Q: Yes, of course.
Attorney Chill : Sounds like cruel and inhuman treatment to me.

And now this from Jesus C.;
Q: My birthday falls right on Christmas and I always get short-changed. Do I have any legal recourse?
Attorney Chill : You suffer from Badly Timed Birthday Syndrome. Fortunately, last year's Anti-Discrimination and Mental Health Care Reform Bill included the Birthday Rehabilitation Act. It allows you to petition any federal judge to modify your birthday by no more than 30 days.
Q: That's great news!
Attorney Chill : You need only prove that your birthday coincides with a key holiday, causing pain and suffering and depriving you of your fair share of attention and gifts.
Q: Wow! Can I also modify my birth year?
Attorney Chill : How old are you?
Q: 2007.
Attorney Chill : I'm afraid not. But you're free to lie like everyone else.

Here is a common problem from Dick C.;
Q: Every year our best friends invite us over for New Year's brunch and make us watch home videos and help dismantle their Christmas tree.
Attorney Chill : Ah ha! Tortious Invitatious Falsious Pretentious Presidentus.
Q: That sounds serious. What can we do?
Attorney Chill : Bring your own home videos and last year's fruitcake.

Here is an annoyance from Donald T;
Q: My in-laws came for Christmas last year and didn't leave until July. What do you recommend?
Attorney Chill : Move and don't leave a forwarding address.
Q: It's too late for that. Any other suggestions?
Attorney Chill : Hire a bouncer, file suit in Landlord/Tenant Court or ...
Q: Or what?
Attorney Chill : Play an endless loop of "Little Drummer Boy." Oh, and nice hairpiece there.

And finally, a complaint from Paris H.;
Q: I want to sue Santa and I need your help.
Attorney Chill : You may have jurisdictional problems. Most process servers refuse to go to the North Pole.
Q: But this is important. Poor Chrissy's been devastated ever since Santa refused to let her sit on his lap.
Attorney Chill : That's terrible.
Q: She hasn't barked or wagged her little tail in a week.
Attorney Chill : Chrissy's a dog?
Q: Right and my Jeannie's still hysterical from the beard incident.
Attorney Chill : Beard incident? Is Jeannie a dog too?
Q: Of course not. She's a three-year-old monkey who lost her faith in Santa Claus when his beard got loose and landed on her head. Now she thinks Santa isn't real.
Attorney Chill : Santa isn't real.
Q: Oh.

Freebies

COOLBELT Key Fob

Murad Clarifying Cleanser

Oxyfresh

Mystery Hair

Head & Shoulders

Iams

Teeccino

Nature's Answer

Pepcid

Gift Labels

100 Year Old Recipe

Here is a seasonal favorite from 111 years ago.

I guess some things really don't change.

********

Egg Nog
Boston Cooking School Cook Book (1896 edition)

by Fannie Merritt Farmer

Yolk 1 egg
1 tablespoon sugar
few grains salt
2 tablespoons wine or
1 tablespoon brandy
2/3 cup milk
White 1 egg

Beat yolk of egg, add sugar, salt, wine and milk.
Strain, and add beaten white of egg.
Stir well before serving.

Just Another Day On The River

The weather here is getting cold, some snow lies on the ground, and the boat is stored for the winter. But I can still think back on the days we did spend afloat not so long ago. I was looking through some photos taken on one of these trips down the river and I found one that shows a typical day out cruising the Ohio.

Here we are at a marina we overnighted at. There were two boats on this trip, a friend had brought his and I ran mine. We had just finished breakfast and returned to the boat. The crew had already stowed the gear and finished the checks on the crafts. Relaxing for a while before getting underway, we were discussing our plans for the new day.

Here is a scene that is repeated many times on these trips. The captains are having some coffee, the crew working on their beer already (hey, it's a pleasure cruise), and Geno is showing off by walking on water. I don't know how he does it, but it amazes me every time.

What Christmas Figure Are You?

Here is a quiz that tells you which Christmas figure you are.
Have fun, and let me know what you get.

Christmas Figure Quiz

Here is my result.
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Hello to you, bright one! You are the caring, nice Christmas lights. You are a reliable person who tends to usually shine people's ways for them. You lighten up others, and always hope people fell better. You don't like to see them sad, hurt, or angry. Close friends or family may find you a good source to speak with when they are having problems, which is a great thing.

Merry Christmas =)

246 other people got this result!

This quiz has been taken 34161 times.

5% of people had this result.

To Put It Another Way

These are titles of well known Christmas songs using different words, but meaning the same thing. See if you can guess which song I am referring to.

As always, the answers are below.

**************

Frozen Homo Sapien
Ones return to the congenial environment for religious festivities.
Minuscule county in PA.
Extending a mirthful day off from work to you.
To personally hearken the clanging instruments on the holy day.
The Primary holy natal.
Spill your guts to the big rock
To personally visualize several vessels.
The discovery of the maternal figure marking her affection on a jolly man in red.
The female ancestor smashed by a species of rangier tarandus.
Bleached Yule.
Singular yearning for the twin anterior incisors.
Righteous darkness.
Loyal followers advance.
Bantam male percussionist.
Monarchial triad.
Nocturnal noiselessness.
Red man en route to borough.
Frozen precipitation commences.
The quadruped with the vermillion proboscis.
Query regarding identity of descendant.
Delight for this planet.
Give attention to the melodious celestial beings.
The dozen festive 24 hour intervals.
Yonder in the hayrack.
Cherubims, audited from aloft.
Befell during the translucent bewitching.
Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy.
Big group vocalizing – "thank god" a lot.
Adorn the corridor.

* * * * *

The answers.

Frosty the Snowman.
I’ll be home for Christmas.
Oh, little town of Bethlehem.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
I heard the bells on Christmas Day.
The First Noel.
Go tell it on the mountain.
I saw three ships.
I saw Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
White Christmas.
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
Oh, Holy Night.
Oh, come all ye faithful.
Little Drummer Boy.
We three kings.
Silent Night.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Let it snow, let it snow…
Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.
Whose child is this?
Joy to the world.
Hark the herald angels sing.
12 days of Christmas.
Away in a manger.
Angels we have heard on high.
It fell upon a midnight clear.
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Hallelujah.
Deck the halls.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Good To Know

Knowledge is power.

So once again, Sweet is going to supply us with more useful 'life' information.

Here at the Riverbank, we teach you the things you didn't even know you needed to know.

Did you know that?

Well now you know!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just too good not to pass along....

xoxoxoxo

How To Use A "Vibrator"

UFO’s And Alien Abductions, The Truth Is Out There

There are individuals who claim to have been abducted by aliens. Some people believe them and others dismiss them as loonies. I believe them and I feel the reason this happens is completely misunderstood.

These incidents happen over a wide area, and to many different types of people. But they all give the same description of the events that occurred during their captivity. They are always place upon an examining table and studied. Every one of them mentions a strange medical instrument with which the aliens probe their anus. This, in fact, is such a commonly told event in the abductions, that it seems these people are not fabricating their story. People who have never met, or have never heard other stories about these events, tell the same story. And I believe I know the reason why the aliens to do this, and what is really going on here.

I would like to ask something of any people who might have experienced one of these events.

Try and remember the phrases the aliens used during your ordeal. By remembering the phrases, you will supply a tremendous amount of information needed to translate their language. I believe the phrases the aliens use will translate to “take it all, bitch” and “who’s your daddy?”

You, my friend, were butt-fucked by gay aliens!

One more question before I go. Did they happen to probe your mouth as well?

*singing aloud as I leave* Jimmy blew an alien! Jimmy blew an alien!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Coke, Pepsi, or Ham?

A ham flavored soft drink?

Umm... Ham Good soda, the other white meat drink! No.
Well... Big Damn Ham, Get out and jam with a case of Ham! No, no...
Let's see... Take home some ham flavored soda, and scare your neighbors!
I got nothing.

I had the Ham Soda covered, piece of cake.
Then they tossed out more, things like Egg Nog, Jelly Doughnut, and Apple Sauce.
Okay, a little more writing and editing, and I got it.
But wait, they said, there's more. Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid.
No way. Really?
Hold on, said they. Don't forget about Perspiration, Dirt, Sports Cream and Natural Field Turf.
Right, I say. Now you're making fun of me. There is no way...
Yep, they say with a straight face. Way.
Perspiration and Dirt you say. True dat?
Dat true!
Where, exactly, does your Product Development team hold their meetings, the Loony Bin or the Crazy House? You guys aren't right, you are aware of this.
Yep!
Persperation? You all need evaluations.
Yeah, we know.

So as I said, I got nothing.

**********************

Enjoy a refreshing ham soda
SEATTLE, Washington (AP) -- Coming soon next to the Coke and Pepsi in a store near you: ham-and latke-flavored soda to make your holiday feast complete.
It even will be kosher, the company making it says -- including the ham.
Jones Soda Co., the Seattle-based purveyor of offbeat fizzy water, is selling holiday-themed limited-edition packs of flavored sodas.
The Christmas pack will feature such flavors as Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham. The Hanukkah pack will have Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas.
"As always, both packs are kosher and contain zero caffeine," Jones said in a statement.
The packs will go on sale Sunday, with a portion of the proceeds to be given to charity, the company said.
Jones' products feature original label art and frequently odd flavors. Last year's seasonal pack was Thanksgiving-themed, with Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas.
For its contract to supply soda to Qwest Field, home of the Seattle Seahawks, Jones came up with Perspiration, Dirt, Sports Cream and Natural Field Turf. The company -- fortunately or unfortunately -- prides itself on the accuracy of the taste.

Get To Know Yourself

- A full bladder is roughly the size of softball.
- Approximately 75% of human feces is made of water.
- It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 1/2 lbs).
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's (I saw you checking out your dimples).
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair (You also checked out the length of your thumb up there, didn’t you?).
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate.
- They do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
- You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Duck, Duck, Grape?

Over at Christobol's place yesterday, Federal Duck seemed to be looking for a duck joke.
Hey, just ask. I got it all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So a duck walks into a bar and he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Do you have any… grapes?”
The bartender says, “No, this is a bar, we have booze. Beat it.”
So the duck backs out of the bar.

Then the next day the duck goes back into the bar and says, “Do you have any… grapes?”
The bartender says, “Look, I told you yesterday, we don’t have any grapes. Now get lost!”
So the duck backs out of the bar.

Then the next day the duck goes into the bar again and asks, “Do you have any… grapes?”
The bartender says, “Look, I’ve told you twice already, no grapes! If you come back in here asking for grapes again I’m gonna nail your bill to the counter!”
So the duck backs out of the bar.

Then the next day the duck goes into the bar and asks, “Do you have any…. nails?”
The bartender looks puzzled and says, “Uh, no, we don’t have any nails.”
Then the duck says, “Well then, do you have any… GRAPES?!”

Quote For The Day

"Sex is like math...

Add the bed,

Subtract the clothes,

Divide the legs,

and Multiply!"

-- Anonymous

Futuristic Hotel

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,

'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need

When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit.....

Which now had a button sewn on the end.

It's Here!

Whiskey, whiskey, wine and beer,
Don’t look now but shopping’s here.
Whiskey, whiskey, beer and wine,
Are we ready for long lines?

Whiskey, whiskey, cheese and bread,
It’s the season that we dread.
Whiskey, whiskey, bread and cheese,
Please don’t make me go, oh please!

Whiskey, whiskey, on the rocks,
Bumps and bruises, shoves and knocks,
Whiskey, whiskey, till I snooze,
If I stay home, then I can’t lose!

Whiskey, whiskey, Santa Claus,
I can’t prove he’s breaking laws.
Whiskey, whiskey, I give up,
Think I need a bigger cup!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

So That's Why He Talks That Way!

"I need a doobie, I'll be back."

Schwarzenegger: Marijuana's Not A Drug

Tells Magazine It's Just A Leaf; Spokesman Says Governor Was Joking

(AP) California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says marijuana is not a drug, a British magazine reported Monday. But his spokesman said the governor was joking. Schwarzenegger told the British edition of GQ magazine that he had not taken drugs, even though the former bodybuilder and Hollywood star has acknowledged using marijuana in the 1970s and was shown smoking a joint in the 1977 documentary "Pumping Iron."

"That is not a drug. It's a leaf," Schwarzenegger told GQ. "My drug was pumping iron, trust me."

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

So Much To Be Thankful For

I made my Thankful list. Have you made yours?

Here is my list of the things I'm thankful for.

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I’m thankful for the food I have,

I’m thankful for the patience I have,

I’m thankful for the gift of Life,

I’m thankful for the happiness that family gives me,

I’m thankful for the friends I have,

I’m thankful for the water,

I’m thankful for the air,

I’m thankful for the clothes we have,

And finally, I’m thankful for the love I have to give,

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Whoa, hold on. That's not the whole list. Some of didn't come through.

I'm gonna try this again. Maybe it has to transfer over a little bit slower.

Just give me a minute.
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Alright, the whole thing came through this time, I just had to slow it down a little.

Here is my list of the things I'm thankful for!

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I’m thankful for the food I have, unless it sucks.

I’m thankful for the patience I have, Lord knows I need it!

I’m thankful for the gift of Life, I love that magazine!

I’m thankful for the happiness that family gives me, when they finally leave!

I’m thankful for the friends I have, who then show up to party!

I’m thankful for the water, that we turn into beer!

I’m thankful for the air, that fills the heads of young blondes.

I’m thankful for the clothes we have, which is then coming off!

And finally, I’m thankful for the love I have to give, two or three times a night!

**********

Yeah, that's better!

Thankfulness

While we enjoy this holiday today, which celebrates being thankful, let's not forget to take time and consider the things we are truly thankful for.

Everyone knows what they are thankful for themselves. You know what it is.
Yes, you! The one right there, I'm looking right at you!

Yeah, that's right, you, right there.
What do I have to do, throw a brick at ya?

Well, I'm thankful he wasn't here last year!

When you get a chance today, spend a few moments reflecting on what that means to you.

I know what it means to me.
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FOOTBALL !!!

On Your Mark, Get Set,... EAT !!!

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--- Happy Thanksgiving ---

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To Everyone
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From the crew of the Riverbank
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Carrie
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Corrine
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Southern Girl
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Sweet
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and Tramp
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All five of us from the Riverbank crew are hoping that everyone has a great day today.
Don't eat too much, save room for the great desserts that always appear today,

find something to be thankful for (besides the turkey!),

and try not to piss off the relatives.

Again.
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Incidentally, this is Thanksgiving. So we all know what starts tomorrow.

7788

Don’t even say it!

Sweet's Night Out - (Putting On The Ritz)

Sweet is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz.

Sweet manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.

The headwaiter brings the bill and Sweet is horrified to see the total: $250!
Sweet didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding my breasts while I get out my credit card?"
The headwaiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.

Sweet gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."
"Oh, it's quite simple really" Sweet replies "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!"

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Turkey Day

From Carrie.

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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house to help with the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom had decided to play a trick on her. She told my sister that she needed some things from the store, to get her out of the house for a while. After my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a small Cornish Hen, placed it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the cavity. She then replaced the bird(s) back in the oven as if nothing had changed...

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a feigned look of total shock on her face, my mother placed her hands on her cheeks and exclaimed "Oh my heavens! Patricia ! you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry and sob...
It took us nearly two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep....she's blonde...

Sometimes I’m Not So Nice

I hate banks. Remember when they used to pay us to hold our money? Now we pay them to hold our money. How the hell did that happen?

I had an exceptionally bad experience with a bank recently. In my opinion the bank employees were uninformed and very rude. Each teller would give me a different answer for the same question. One teller even gave me two different answers to the same question on the same day, a mere two hours apart. And then they played it as if I didn't know what I was talking about. Sorry honey, I've got a great memory. I still remember the telephone number of a house I moved out of when I was 5! I think I remember what you said a few minutes ago.

I didn’t get upset. In my thinking, there are many banks out there and I have no great love for this one. I’ll close the account and go somewhere else. This is where the fun really starts. Have you ever tried to close a bank account? They do not make it an easy task. But I consider myself to be a formidable opponent, bring it on is what I say.
I go to the bank and approach the teller with all the answers.
I tell her, “I want my money and I want to close my account.”
She asks, “Why do you want to do that?”
I feel that this is the wrong response, as I did not ask her to ask me a question. I had asked her for something completely different. So here we go.
Me: “I could say it again. Or perhaps, if it is going to take some time for you to comprehend my words, I could write them down. Then you could study them for as long as necessary and maybe respond correctly. Shall I do that?”
She walks away and returns with a manager.
He says, “Is there a problem?”
I say, “Yes there is. Your teller cannot seems to comprehend the English language. I am trying to keep the words small, but I‘m not having any success. Do you speak English?”
Him: “Yes, I do.”
Me: “Let’s find out, shall we? I want my money and I want to close my account.”
Him: “Can I ask you why?”
Me: “See, there is the problem again. What I am saying is ‘I want my money and I want to close my account’. What are you hearing? Maybe we can find the problem.”
Him: “She will get it for you.”
Me: “Good. Bye bye.”
He stands there.
Me: “Let me explain for you. I say bye bye. Then you say bye bye. Then you leave. Let’s try it again. Bye bye.”
He leaves, and finally, slowly, what I originally asked for begins to develop. Why does it have to be so hard?

Sweet's Soapbox - Update

Follow-up as of Monday!…

* Hubby better…

* New employer gone…I was told that I was one of the Sweetest’s people she had ever had working in the office…Hey, we all know I am Sweet. Anyway, she told me I was no match to her style…
I agreed and left, knowing someone else will benefit…should I go to work for them…or maybe this sweet personality of mine will allow me to start my own business…

xoxoxoxoxo

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Footnote from Tramp: Sweet has the qualities and capabilities to take on any challenge presented to her. She is intelligent, kind, caring, and can see right through a brick wall of bullshit. She is, however, equally equipped with the knowledge and the tools required in educating those poor misguided souls who might attempt to cross or deceive her.

I don't think she will start her own business. I believe she might assume control of an already established one instead . We may be closer to a woman president than we know!
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Monday, November 19, 2007

I'm No Angel

My wife gave me a very touching tale concerning a Good Samaritan‘s deeds. I was about to post it, although first I was obligated to confirm the legitimacy of this tale. I did some quick research and hit a snag when I discovered an investigation currently in progress attempting to validate this same story. At present, the accuracy of this account is not known either way, but it seems the truth is near. Therefore I’m going to wait before posting it and establish if it is indeed a truthful depiction.

That story however reminded me of another, which had taken place over the past summer. And this story I know for a fact is a true one.

I was in my truck; I don’t remember where I was heading, when I came by a small grocery store. The traffic light was red, and as I waited, I noticed an older woman standing on the sidewalk in front of the store. She was looking down into her hand, and was dressed in what appeared to be some very old clothing, which she kept as clean and neat as possible. She had a cloth on her head, a babushka, and appeared to be of European ancestry (the same as me).

I watched her for a short while and realized that she was counting coins in her hand. I determined that she must have been attempting to acquire something to eat, and there was not a huge amount of change at hand. The expression on her face was a combination of sadness, concern, and fear. My heart broke right then and there.

I turned into the parking lot and parked, then stepped out of my truck, and made my way over toward her. She noticed my approach and immediately clenched her hand, as if I might steal her coins. Walking up to her, I smiled my biggest smile as I spoke these words to her; “Hello, I am an Angel. God has told me that you need some help, and so I came to you.” Then I placed two crisp fifty dollar bills into her other open hand and smiled even more.

She looked stunned, glanced down at the money in her hand, then back up at me. Still appearing worried, she looked at me and said, “I can’t pay you back.” I replied, “It is not from me, it is from God. You can pay Him back.” The expression on her face softened, and she started to cry.

Now she began to say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” I interrupted her and replied, “You don’t have to thank me, I am only doing what God has asked me to do. It is God who you should thank.” Finally, she smiled, then gave me a big hug. She was now saying, “Thank God, thank God…”

We were both standing there, looking and feeling very happy. I then said to her, “You should go and eat now, it is getting late.” She said that she would and never she stopped smiling as she went through the store’s front doors, all the while waving back at me. I smiled and waved as well.

As I walked back to my truck feeling good, a depressing thought occurred to me. Had I just helped in enabling an alcoholic? It troubled me enough that I decided to sit in my truck and wait.

A short while later, she came back out. In her hand she had a small plastic grocery bag, and I could see a loaf of bread, some eggs, and the top of a produce bag. The bag was not tall enough to hide a wine bottle and too narrow for a six-pack of beer. I became confident that this was for real, she was hungry, and again I began to smile.

On the trip home, I contemplated that woman and her current station in life. I considered everything about her present situation, thinking about the bigger picture as well. Then I began to shed a few tears. I knew she would eat well tonight. Most certainly, it would be that way for the next several nights.

But a few tears did run down my cheek because something else had occurred to me. I had begun to wonder about who was going to be there to help her the next time.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

From Sweet.

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This goes with my attitude...
xoxoxoxo

??? How do these people survive? ???

WON Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TOO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FORE I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SEX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motorhome was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

ATE Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

"Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid."

Get 'Er Done!

From Sweet.

With apologies to Larry the Cable Guy.

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Geno and Tramp walk into a bar.

While having a shot of whisky, they talk about how well their moonshine operation is running.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
Geno looks over at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
So Geno walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a big wet lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe normally again, Geno smiles at her, then slowly and calmly walks back to the bar.
Tramp, unphased, says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' one time back a ways ago, but I ain't niver seed nobody up and git 'er done!"

xoxoxoxo

Sweet's Soapbox

Sweet’s Rant for November!

Okay, let’s just, say this week has really set me off, some may say over the edge….

So you know that perfect job I was looking for…well I may have found it…then again maybe not…I started working on...

Tuesday, and the first thing I did was sit for six (6) hours (yes, I said 6 hours) and take dictation…let me explain…why this is so disturbing…

First day…new boss stands/sits by my desk and dictates the response to interrogatories aka ROGS…for those who need to know what “interrogatories” are they are questions; from the opposing attorney asking questions about what happened prior to the claim being filed…

Any other day, this would be okay…just not my first day…I just wanted to get to know where the coffee pot is was find the restroom and what time I could take my break and go to lunch…not actually work….

Anyway, this is your basic response…to ROGS (try typing this for six hours with someone in your ear and tell me you would be sane) Plaintiff objects to this question in that it is overbroad, unduly burdensome and requests information that has either already been submitted to Defendant or was apparently deemed not relevant by Defendant during their claims processing and denial. To the extent that any of this information is relevant to Defendants denial of my disability claims, it should have been obtained and considered during the claims processing or appeals periods… wherefore, therein, thereby, blub, blub, blub

Wednesday rolls around, Hubby gets hurt on the job, I get a phone call while teaching my class how to write responses like the one mentioned above… yikes, that’s kind of weird…teaching my students to write something they may have to type over and over in a few years…. Scary...

Back to the accident…I spent from 10:00 p.m. until 5:00 a.m. in the emergency room of the “supposedly the best hospital” in California and he never saw a doctor…just an attending who told him he needed to see a Work Comp doctor in the morning…that’s when my RED hair got tighter than a cork screw; I told him it is morning you moron (I refrained from the “F” word, only because hubby was in pain and he hates it when my red-hair gets all curly and I go off)… So where is this Work Comp doctor? Oh you have to go to this other location and wait let’s just say “wait” was the last word; this so-called attending had to say… needless to say Sweet was unhappy and I can’t share all that I said, but it was very colorful…kind of like a rainbow…. And finally, your employer wants you to piss test to make sure you are clean of any foreign substances… I love the way being politically correct has taken over…just say drugs/alcohol…you morons…

I bring hubby home and the phone keeps ringing and ringing…I know everyone cares…but be organized in your calling… co-workers that sit less than five feet from each other called him one after the other… Listen up people…get together make a list of everything you want to know and make one wretched phone call not five…. And tell everyone who works away from the office everything you know…they care too… the last thing I need is drop by visitor after no sleep, waiting for hours, eating from a stupid ass vending machine… All I wanted was hubby to take his pain meds and sleep…my brandy…and peace and quiet.

Friday…my attitude really sucked…don’t ask me how things are if you don’t have time to hear my reply…my feet hurt from your no open toe shoe policy…Sweet has not worn shoes with closed toes since she moved to Phoenix in 1999, and adjusting will take time…gee, I wonder why she told me to go home at 3:00 p.m.

I feel much better now…off to get my fingers and toes done…and a little shopping…you know Thanksgiving is just around the corner…and my home has much to be thankful for…Hubby is alive…had he not ran… when he did; he would be pushing up daisies…

Love to all
Sweet
xoxoxoxo

Tramp's Riverbank