Art Buchwald And Hospice Of Southwest Florida

I was reading over at Dave Barry's blog about Art Buchwald. Art was one of the cleverest humorists that ever lived. Art has entered the Hospice program. He is not long for this earth at the present time. We will lose a great talent when he goes. I have always had the utmost respect for the man. When I saw a column in my local paper written by him it was always like finding a treat. I'll miss him. I miss him now and he's not even gone yet.

But I digress. This post is about a Hospice in southwest Florida. My parents retired there many years ago. I went down about every other month to help them and to entertain them. When I wasn't there I spoke with him on the phone. Every day. My father was one of a kind. He came over from the 'old country' on a boat after the war. Everything he owned was packed in a wooden steamer trunk. He was poor. But he was determined to make a life for himself and his family. He found a job in the steel mills. Worked during the day, attended college at night. And began climbing the ladder. He struggled for a while but within twenty years he owned his own business and homes. I say homes because he had a home in the city which Mother preferred, and a home in the country, which was more his style. And his business was a multi-national corporation that successfully did business globally.

He was always ambitious. As a younger man in Hungary, he raced motorcycles as a hobby and played professional soccer. He never, ever bragged. My Mother told me that he was on the best team in Europe and he was the best player on the team. He was the European Joe Montana. This ambition made him a wealthy man.

More recently, after his retirement (he retired at age 80), he had a stroke. Then another. And yes, another. After the third one, his doctor told me he wasn't going to make it. Wanted to put him into the Hospice program. Said they would handle everything.

He was about to be released from the hospital and Hospice was suppose to take care of all the arrangements. I was to meet with them. I arrived at their office and no one was there. I was hurting anyway, knowing I was going to lose my Father and hoped to count on these people for help. Right.

I finally got a hold of them and the case worker asks me what I'd like to do. What are my options, I ask? Nursing home is one they say. Never. NEVER I tell them. I know he wouldn't want this. Home health care is the only other, but it would only be six hours a day. Impossible, I tell them. There are no other options, they say. I am heartbroken. I am about to take him home with me, though I know I'm ill prepared for the task at hand. Still, he's my Dad.

I spent that night on the internet looking up options. Then I find one. Assisted living. Southwest Florida has some of the best. I look into this myself the next day and the facilities are great. Plus my Mother can be with him, unlike a nursing home. I call f*****g Hospice back. Why wasn't I told of this option? "We didn't think you could afford it" is the answer. I can. I put him into the best facility there is. He's happy. Mom's happy. Everything is working out, no thanks to Hospice.
With everything settled I get ready to head home. I have a business to run. I tell Hospice, who (shudder) is in charge of him because his doctor put him in their care. I tell them I have to go back to work, but call me immediately (on my 800 number, no excuses) if anything changes. I'll be speaking to him on the phone. Every day. Life is good, right?

Three weeks later, he's gone. No call, nothing. Hospice calls the next morning and says he's gone, what do you want to do? What? What happened? When did his condition worsen? Couple days ago. Why didn't you call? Forgot.

My Mother is at home (in FLA) and doesn't know yet. I'm 1200 miles away. I tell Hospice, can you send someone over to my Mother's to be with her when I tell her? Sure. I tell them to drive over to her house, DON'T TELL HER but call me when they get there. OK they say. I wait. No call. I call my Mom. She is in shock. The Hospice lady arrived and blurted out "He's dead." Never called me. Nothing.

The people from Florida are called Floridians. I call the Hospice people Floridiots. End of life care they call it. Dying with dignity they say. My Father died alone. Because of Floridiots. It's too late for my Father and me, but if this post helps one family avoid the heartbreak Hospice has inflicted on me, it's worth it's weight in gold.


Disclaimer: The above story is 100% true. I challenge, no I defy Southwest Florida Hospice to dispute any of the above claims.

What A Company

Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: 29 have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad checks, 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses, 3 have been arrested for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are current defendants in law suits. In one year alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

A Math Expert

This is why we trail so many countries in math...

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Paratrooper

A friend of mine, a private in the Army told me this story. He went up for his first jump from a plane. All the other privates had jumped and he was left alone in the plane with his Sargent. The Sargent yelled "Jump Private". He said "I can't sir". The Sarge yelled "There is no can't in this man's Army. Now jump!". Again he said "I can't sir". The Sarge yelled "If you don't jump right now, I'm going to stick my penis up your behind".

So I said "Did you jump?"
He said "A little at first."

Picnic

I am, what some call, a techie. That is, when my friends destroy their computers, they call me. I can fix anything in any computer. They have been a hobby of mine for a long time. I had a PC before there were PC's. It was a Z80. Anyone remember those? Then there was the 8080, followed by an 8086, an 80286, 80386 and 80486. The Pentium you know today was originally an 80586.

Consequently, techies like me have terms normal people don't know. My favorite is 'Picnic'. This is the most common problem with computers today. Anyone want to guess what that means? It means 'Problem In Chair, Not In Computer'.

Motorcycles

Being a motorcycle enthusiast myself, people have asked me lots of motorcycle questions. One question that always comes up is 'Which motorcycle has the most cylinders?'. Some say six, others say eight. But no one ever believes me when I answer '48 cylinders'. "did you say four or eight?" they ask. I say "48". "No way, not possible, can't be" is what I hear then. Until I show them this picture. Then they say nothing. It leaves even the most seasoned riders speechless.

Here, for your enjoyment, is that picture.

A Business Plan

An American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
“You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
The American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then, senor?” asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, “That’s the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You’ll become very rich, you would make millions!”
“Millions, senor?” replied the Mexican. “Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Thanks to TZ at Laffaday.

Draw A Pig Thingie

I tried the 'Draw A Pig' personality test from a previous post and it told me I have issues with hunger. Well, it is lunchtime.

More Cool Sites

How we change one another's minds.

Why companies are named what they are.

Elementary Bible School Tests

Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
The following statements about the Bible were written by children...

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ARK.
Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the Apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.
He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.
He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. this is called monotony.


[From AndyChaps]

Music Site

There is a site I've been visiting for a while now. It is a lot of fun. It's all about music. My favorite part is a game called "Name Ten" where someone calls what the subject is and you have to name a song or band about it. If you name the tenth one you get to pick the new subject. Judi, who is a great person (and has an enormously entertaining job) is the site moderator. She is extremely intelligent. That is why the site is so much fun. The site is here.

Story Time

I think it's about time for a story, and since I own this blog, you're getting a story.

We were at Lake Milton, a reasonable sized lake with a shoreline covered with scenic and beautiful taverns. We had been skiing most of the day when we decided to stop for a bite to eat and maybe a drink. One friend, Ralph, is a professional water skier. I found out he is also a professional drinker.

Ralph had consumed a fair share of drink (for three people) himself. He could not walk out of the bar on his own. We helped him down the dock and back to the boat. He started up about wanting to ski. Ralph, I said, you can't even walk (he fell off the dock and onto the front of the boat). But he was adamant. OK, I resigned, you sit on the end of the dock and I'll pull. We only gave him one ski because I didn't want to lose two. I pulled out and tightened the rope up. Then I hit it hard. Up he came! This guy couldn't walk but he skied like a pro. I was yanking him around the lake in some really tight maneuvers and he nailed every one.

I was watching him so closely that at first I didn't notice the police boat with lights flashing following him. The siren got my attention though. We stopped. Ralph immediately protested that he wasn't finished. Then he saw the cop. This cop was temporarily speechless. I was sober and driving. The cop is looking in his book and calling on his radio trying to find out if skiing under the influence is illegal (it is not). Ralph was told to be quiet, but you would have had a better chance of getting a dog to sing.

Finally the cop finds something. You are not allowed to ski within 300 feet of shore. Ralph says he wasn't within 300 feet of shore. The cop yells now, "YOU SKIED OFF THE DOCK!". I'm thinking about how pointless it is to argue with a drunk when the cops yell at Ralph, "Fine, I'm gonna let you go!". Now I'm dumbfounded. I ask him how he managed that. He says, perfectly serious, "Managed what?"

Hunting For Bird Dogs

A friend of mine wanted to get a bird dog. I love dogs so I wanted to go with him to check out some dogs. The first place we went wasn't right. I told the guy I thought something was funny with this dog and reccomended he not buy it. What do you think?



So we did a little more research and discovered that if you want a good bird dog, you get one from Kentucky. So we found a place that specializes in Kentucky bird dogs and went there. I didn't like these either.



Finally we gave up. I think we are doing something wrong.

Dear Santa

I've been daydreaming about my Christmas list. It must be the nice weather we are having. It makes me think about new toys. I can never think of anything come time, so I'm getting a jump on it. This is what I've come up with so far.....

Am I Seeing Things?

So I'm driving to work this morning and I notice the price of gasoline.....

I go to get my piggybank.....

And then an idea strikes me.....

Now everything is alright!

Don't Support Them

Apparently, these people don't want your support.

Look At The Buns On That

It's not what you think.

Quick Joke

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well .... the light was on..."

Questions You Should Not Attempt To Answer

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If you could redraw the boundaries of the state (or Province) you lived in, what shape would it be?

You are invited to a lavish party that is filled with glamorous, exciting, famous people. Why do you suppose they invited you?

If you had to eat one crayon out of a box of 64, what color would it be?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

What is your favorite internal organ?

Where does lint come from, and would you want to go there on a vacation?

Most packages say "Open here." What would you do if a package said, Open somewhere else?

If god appeared to you in a dream and told you to take accordion lessons, would you do it?

What breakfast cereal has had the greatest influence on your life?

If you could change the order of the alphabet, what order would you put the letters in?

Would you be willing to personally cut off Bambi's legs with a chainsaw if it meant that there would never be another infomercial on TV again?

Would you dance naked in Macy's front window to save the whales?
What about the snail darter? Is it because whales are bigger?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

How much would you charge to haunt a house?

Do you have a favorite toe?

Where were you on the night of November 26th, 1997?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

What is the capital of Mars?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?



Grab some freebies here and here.

Harley Davidson Fat Boy

The Harley Fat Boy is one fine motorcycle. But there is a story behind it's name. And it's not so nice.

The Fat Boy was put out by Harley in response to the flood of Japanese lookalikes trying to capitalize on Harley's booming market. Harley wanted to produce a bike to blow away the competition. They were looking for something so new and awesome looking, the Japanese bikes wouldn't stand a chance. The Fat Boy was just the ticket. This was the king of factory customs. They knew it would crush the Japanese market and so they came up with what they felt would be an appropriate name from a history lesson.

The name Fat Boy comes from two other names. Fat Man and Little Boy. Those were the names of the Atomic bombs we dropped on Japan the last time we wanted to defeat them.

Personality Test

What better way is there to judge your personality that to draw a pig?

Attorney Joke

My brother is an attorney. Consequently, he hates attorney jokes. Here is another good one.

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer ...... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Another Of My Favorite Comics

These are too good to keep to myself.

One Of My Favorite Comics

And a cool illusion.
Click on this picture and it looks like the wheels are rotating. They are not.

The Difference Between Men And Women

I'm going down a dangerous street here but it has to be done sooner or later. I've noticed several differences between the sexes (besides those, come on). And I'd like to give you my take on it. So here, in no particular order, are my observations on several subjects.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

DINING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills,even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

RESTROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERY SHOPPING: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all week.

WARDROBE: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book or get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about ten years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

CHILDREN: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Famous Last Words

These are some phrases that mean nothing good is going to happen.


I'll get a world record for this..
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
That's odd.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.

Little Known True Facts

Here are some interesting little known facts. See how many surprise you.

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Back In The 1500's

These are some facts about life in the 1500's that still have implications in our lives today.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good. However, they were starting to smell, which is why brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub of hot water. The man of the house had the nice clean water, then, all the other sons and men, then the women and, finally, the children. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath-water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats, and other small animals lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slide off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. Bugs and other droppings could really mess up your clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

Sometimes folks could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. The person would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and wait to see if he or she would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."

Thanks to Lewis at Bizarre News.

Comments

If you would like to leave a comment, just click on "comments" at the end of each post. Yes, I'm talking to you Geno and Joey.

Australian Tourism

As I've mentioned before, I have a distributor in Australia. A wonderful source of stories, those Aussies. Here is a good one.

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with human urine before you go out walking.

Anger Management

Sorry about this.


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Tramp, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong number"
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call
the BMW asshole, too.. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call... But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah", I said.
"Stop calling me", he screamed
"Make me", I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah?"
"Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole", I said...
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass", he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now".
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street... I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news
crew.
Now, I feel better.


Disclaimer: The above is not true. It is a joke. It has always been a joke and will always be a joke.

Shakespeare For Hackers

This is what Shakespeare would look like to a computer. Doesn't have the same effect, does it?

Shakespeare by Computer

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = ;var thee:Object = ;
summer.name = "Summer Day";thee.name = "Thee";
summer.lovelyness = 9;thee.lovelyness = 10;
summer.temperature = 98;thee.temperature = 98.6;
summer.lease = new Date(2006, 7, 31).getTime() - new Date(2006, 5, 1).getTime();thee.lease = new Date(2042, 6, 12).getTime() - new Date(1970, 8, 25).getTime();
summer.complexion = 0xFFCC33;thee.complexion = 0xFFCCCC;
summer.fair = 10;thee.fair = 10;
summer.getValue = function():Number

Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag

Alright, I think it's time to let the cat out of the bag. The picture in the previous post is none other than me. We were in Florida visiting my parents when we rented this boat to head out on the ocean. We were about fifteen miles off shore and the cameras came out because of a huge pack of dolphins following us. A friend of mine (Albert) took this picture. I thought it would be fun to encourage you readers to trash this fellow, but you are too kind. We were hoping to get some swimming in, but the sharks wouldn't let us. But we had a great time anyway. This was taken in December of '04, a time my boat is usually in deep winter storage. So it was great to get out on the water at a time when I usually just dream of it. And to the woman who called me hot, you are my new best friend.

New Voting Opportunity

The chicken leg voting went so well that I've decided to try another. This time I'm looking for comments. To weigh in on this subject, you can leave your answers either here in the comments section or at Yahoo Answers. It makes no difference which one you choose, it will be counted equally. Except for Wolfie, who didn't get to vote last time and will have her opinion count double.

The question is: What is wrong with this guy?

So far, we have votes for:

Scrawny arms. - 1 vote
Beer belly - 2 votes
A Cat Stevens beard. - 1 vote

Not paying attention - 1 vote

Weird - 1 vote

Scraggly beard or lose the beard - 2 votes

Lose the cigarette - 1 vote

Doesn't like it at all - 1 vote

Needs a Skipper hat and beer - 1 vote (that would have been mine!)

He's a 8.9 on a 10 scale and hot - 1 vote (Hot? Hot? What the heck is wrong with people?)

He's still fully clothed - 2 votes (On a boat, people usually wear nothing but swimsuits. This is what she means, right? Right?)

And nothing wrong - 5 votes (Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong?)

And one vote against my Yahoo Avatar, who I didn't even know we were voting on, but I appreciate the creativity.

Update: Timmy, thanks for the compliment, that wasn't my intention but I appreciate readers. Don't forget to scroll down and grab some free stuff.
Everyone else: Thanks for the help with this fun little project. We did this before with the "Chicken Leg Man" and had great fun. The best people in the world are on Yahoo Answers.

To Otterbob: You and I think alike!

To KitKat: We are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with no land in sight. You don't really have to pay too much attention!

Where You From?

People know where you live when...
YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.
YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony-tail.
YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different"
YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to vote.......
[From AndyChaps]

You Might Be A........

YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF
* You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.
* You always follow the rules, but you're wise enough to forget them sometimes.
* You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope.
* You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.
* You believe that the saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
* You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
* You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
* You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
* You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.
* The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why not!
* You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
* You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
* You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

[From AndyChaps]
Thanks to Melissa at The Mouthpiece

More Websites

The Bad Hair Pages

How Products Are Made

How Observant Are You

Retro Future

The Official Ramen Homepage

In The Doghouse

My wife has not spoken to me in three days...

I think it has something to do with what happened on Thursday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses!

The results were pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women think their ass is too big..

2. 10% of women think their ass is too little...

3. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Exercise Program

Just came across this exercise suggested for fitness, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my readers. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.

Circle Flies

After pulling me over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture me about my speed, pompously implying that I didn't know any better and trying to make me feel uncomfortable as possible.
He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
I said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
I was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." i replied. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, I added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Nationality Quiz

If you are American in the kitchen, and you are American in the living room and you are American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom.

European.



Thanks Ralph.

Tools And Their Proper Uses

This post is to inform any novices of the proper usage of tools, which is very important in maintaining today's expensive equipment. I dedicate this post to Slyeyes, who is a tool expert in her own right.


TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
* MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motor-
cycle jackets.
* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
* WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your iced tea across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
* TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog- doo off your boot.
* BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door
nail, just as you thought.
* PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
* HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Why McDonalds Leaves The Flame Broiling To Burger King

Beer

Friday night and I've sipped a couple beers. I love a good beer. But two or three is my limit any more. I could put them away in my younger days (back when we used to write on stone tablets), but not any more. A couple three does me fine. So accordingly, I've changed my requirements for beer from anything cold to something good. I prefer Czechoslovakian Lagers and Belgian Ales. The mass produced beer in this country is very poor quality. I had a short online conversation with Cristobol (the owner of one of the best blogs out there and an extremely multi-talented man) about beer and I think we agree on this country's beer. I brew my own (I can make an excellent Czech Pilsener). To give you an idea of my take on US beer, I made this comment to CBol. My recipe for Budweiser, pee in a bag of garbage and shake well.
There are some good beers here. Anchor Steam is one. Arrogant Bastard Ale is another. Pretty much anything from Great Lakes Brewing ranks high. I do like Rolling Rock, but it is a regional beer.
Every beer drinker in the world has argued about which is the best beer in the world. Argue no more. I have discovered the best beer in the world. This is not my opinion. This is the unanimous opinion of beer experts all over the world. It is a beer called Westvleteren 12. It is brewed by Trappist Monks in Belgium once a year. They cannot drink it, but sell it instead for money to eat. And now you, dear readers, have access to the beer phone (click on "The Brewery). This is the only place in the world where you can buy this nectar of the gods. It comes only in cases and costs 27 euros ($33US) per case. The shipping is high, but you will never forget this beer. I spoke with Father Abbot, the head Monk, and he tells me that you must agree to not resell this beer when you buy it. You can find people selling it by the bottle for about $10 per bottle on the internet. If you do, please let Father Abbot know, and he will make sure they never do it again. You would think people know better than to piss off a Monk. If you decide to try this beer, be warned. You will never look at beer the same again and this country's mass produced beer will disgust you.

Oh, and up there is one of my favorite wallpapers. If you tile it, it looks great. Some people wonder why I dislike Bud so much. For one thing, it's not really beer. Beer is barley, malt, hops and yeast. Read Bud's label. No barley, just rice. Rice?
And here is an interesting fact. The real Budweiser is a European beer that is a very well made beer. The US Budweiser (or as I like to call it, ButtWiper) stole the name. Also, the real Bud's slogan is "The Beer Of Kings". Need I say more? Anyone who can't think of a name or slogan isn't going to brew something I want to drink.

Disclaimer: The above is not fact in any way but simply my own humble opinion. You must be 18 years old and unmarried to have an opinion. Offer not valid in engaged men.

Another Web Site

Somehow, I knew it would come to this.

Pro Pic

Family Business

An elderly Mafioso was on his death bed. He asked to see his grandson. He told the grandson that he wanted him to have his pistol. The grandson said "Oh Grandfather, I don't like guns, I'd much rather have that Rolex watch of yours". The Grandfather said "You listen to me. One day, you will take over the family business. You are going to have a lot of money. You will have a big house. And you will have a beautiful wife. One day, you will come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do? Point to the watch and say "Times up"?

Oh, and this is good, too.

One Year On Mars

Update: The link wasn't working. Had a snafu with the fubar. It works now. I hit it with a hammer (Or in Slyeyes case, a shoe).

Polling Results

Well, we had quite a time last night, what with the voting and all. I didn't realize how much fun something like this could be. Albert's legs have now entered the Witness Protection Program and will probably never be seen again. I never really thought he had chicken legs but according to you guys.......

Time For A Vote

This, again, is Albert. One of his favorite sayings on the island is "Are you riding a chicken or are those your legs". Well it's time for a vote. The question is "Does he have room to talk?".

Vote in the comments section below. Either:
1, Yes, he does have room to talk, or
2, No, he does NOT have room to talk.

You can click on the photo for a larger view.

Free prizes for voting (scroll down and click on "This place" in "More Freebies".

The results will be displayed right here.

As per Yahoo Answers the vote is:

Chicken legs - 12 1/2

No chicken legs - 8 1/2

These will be updated as results come in. Thanks to all of you great people on Yahoo Answers. You're the best.

Update: PersonXXXXX.....- Great answer, cHubbiEz- try to keep you answers shorter (just kidding), Boris- you're cruel (snicker), Sexy Sam, he's says he's posing (don't you just hate posers). Thanks again all, and keep those answers coming, I'll keep updating.

Update: TX Agent S- You deserve your own radio show. Great answer!

Update: Pipsy- You've made Albert's day! He personally thanks you.

Update: llstupid- You have to scroll down this page, tyingtobenice - I don't think I'd want to go to your reunion! (kidding), MissNurse and Charleedude - Straight to the point.

Meet Albert

This is Albert. Albert is a very good friend of mine. He is the fella I'd mentioned earlier who enjoys studying the Native American culture. He can be a goofball (as evidenced by this photo), but he really is a great guy all around. I don't have many good stories about him because he doesn't drink. Well, not much anyway. But you cannot have a better time when he is around. He can launch flaming spears halfway across the river Indian style, make hot air balloons on the island and fabricate these model boats that will explode into flames after launching. Him and I fly kites at altitudes of thousands (yes THOUSANDS) of feet up. He is a great island chef who cooks with nothing but open fire. He is also single, ladies. One at a time though.

Someday, I'm hoping Albert will give me a story that is blog worthy. It has not happened yet. But I fully expect one sooner or later.

More Freebies

This place has good freebies but you are only permitted one per day. Good stuff though.

And this place has free money! Become an evisor.

More free money! Have to do surveys, but they send a check for every one completed.

My Daughter Sophie

This is my little girl. I thought you should meet her. I know she would love to meet you. She is six years old. I find it curious that Dave Barry also has a six year old daughter named Sophie. But lets be honest, his is cuter.

Best Condom Ad I've Seen

Freebies

For those of you looking for freebies, I'm reposting these.

Lots of free stuff

Free Sammy Hagar music

Free public records

Free sounds

Other free stuff

The Wit And The Wisdom

Who said these?

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Maybe just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene".

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.

If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.

I want to share something with you. The three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "cover for me". Number two, "oh, good idea boss". Number three, "it was like that when I got here".

And finally, if you haven't figured it out, "DOH!"



That's right. Homer Simpson.

Stupid Criminals

We were out on the Ohio river for the weekend and decided to stay in a marina for the evening. We docked the boat and set up for overnight. Then we headed up to the marina for food and drink. A good time was had by all.

We retired for the evening to the boat and the night was uneventful, or so we thought. As I got up in the morning I noticed one of my deck fill caps (kind of like a fuel cap but to different tanks) was open. There was a piece of hose on the dock next to it and what appeared to be a puddle of vomit. A thief had tried to steal gas in the middle of the night but mistook the holding tank cap for the gas cap (a holding tank is connected to the toilet). We knew what had happened and jokes about crap abounded.

I mentioned that it was no wonder he had gotten sick. He must have realized what he was doing amounted to cannibalism.

More Factoids

If we could shrink the world's population to precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, here's what you would have:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from theWestern Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non white
30 would be white
70 would be non Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the USA
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
1 would have a college education
1 would have a computer

So I guess this makes you and me a minority. We have computers.

Thanks to Phillip M. Harter, MD, Stanford University School Of Medicine and TZ from Laffaday.

Every Man Has To Believe In Something

And I believe in this. (Warning: Profanity)

Boating Fun

Here is a story that may or may not be funny, depending on who you were in the story. But it is true.

We were at Mosquito Lake (a big 10 mile long lake) doing some boating, skiing, swimming and partying. Spent the weekend there. Some good stories up there but this is a different one.

It was Sunday evening and we were heading out. Got to the launch ramp and docked so I could get the truck. But there was a guy, who had what looked like a brand new boat on a brand new truck, just arriving to launch. Well he was tying up my ramp, but I'm a patient man. Besides, these newbies are fun to watch anyway.

He backs the trailer down into the water pretty well. Then he places the truck in park and jumps out. I notice he doesn't chock the wheels, hope he at least put on the parking brake (he didn't).

OK, now your getting ahead of me aren't you?

Yes, he backed the boat away and bumped the trailer doing it. That shake of his rig was all it took to break the park pin in his truck transmission (the thing that holds the truck still) and send the truck, trailer and all down the ramp and into the lake. We watched from our boat and he from his. It took about 30 seconds to completely and dramatically sink. The look on his face was award winning. He was very quiet for a while as was everyone else.

Then I said, and I don't know why, "That's not how you do it."

I still remember that screaming of his the best.

New Facts Discovered

Here are two facts I have discovered that may or may not be helpful for you.

1. The distance from the inside of your elbow to your wrist with your arm straight is your shoe size. Place your shoe there and see.

2. The circumference of your neck is exactly half of what your waist is. If you don't feel like trying on pants, simply wrap the waistband around your neck to see if they are your size.

Oldie But Goodie

I love this story.

This is an actual radio conversation of an Australian Naval ship with New Zealand authorities.
October 1975.

Kiwis: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.
Aussies: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision.
Kiwis: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.
Aussies: This is the Captain of an Australian Naval Warship. I say again, divert your course.
Kiwis: NO. I say again, you divert your course.
Aussies: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMAS MELBOURNE, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE AUSTRALIAN NAVY. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE FRIGATES AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Kiwis: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Nine Things That Displease Me

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, where's yours. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?

7. When something is "New and improved". Which is it? If it's new, then there's never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "Life is short". Life is the longest thing anyone ever does. What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Thanks to TZ at Laffaday.

Cat Like Reflexes

Well, tonight I found out that I still have cat like reflexes. And that is the only reason I am writing this. Otherwise I would not be here right now. I am also now the proud owner of the world's only Buick LeSabre convertible.

I used to race motorcycles. That is good for reflex development. I also studied martial arts, which is another plus in the reflex department. Let me tell you about my night.

I was coming home from the store in my Buick LeSabre. I was traveling down a rural road at 55 MPH when I noticed something in the road ahead. Couldn't quite make it out until too late. It was a semi trailer across the road with no lights on. By the time I realized it I could not stop. Couldn't get around it either as there were walls in the way. So I stood on the brakes hard. I saw I was not even going to come close to stopping. And that's where my reflexes saved me. I threw myself across the seat just as the windshield was exploding. It ripped the roof off inches above my head. The car was jammed under the semi trailer with the steering wheel inches from the bottom of the trailer. I was laying across the seat, bewildered. I heard voices outside saying "Is he dead?" and other things like that. I found my way out of the car through the back door. People were telling me an ambulance was on the way and I was asking who was hurt. They said I should be. I begged to differ. The State Policemen that arrived told me they had never seen anyone survive such an accident. They said I had had about a tenth of a second to make the decision to duck and to do it. They were bewildered. I told them to join the club.

The policemen had a hard time believing I was the driver. I was pretty shook up, still am a little (as I shake my head right now, glass falls out of my hair). And then the police said they were going to call a wrecker to pull the car out from under the truck. I told them I thought I could drive it out. He laughed and apparently didn't believe me until I crawled back in and drove it out. Couldn't see where I was going though. I believe it is the first time in recorded history that a man in a car asked for directions.

Well, in case I didn't mention it, I am fine. Not a scratch. The car didn't do as well. Thank the higher beings that I didn't take my pick-up truck, I never would have gotten low enough. And then, in a most amazing display of arrogance, the truck driver asked me if I would sign a form exonerating him of any liability.

I can't believe I didn't punch him.

Websites To Waste Time On

A list of places I go to waste time.

Top Ten Sci-Fi Pictures That Were Never Made

In The 80's

Paper Demon

Cave Escape

News Of The Weird

Preparing For Emergencies (The Emergency Planning Booklet is one of my favorites)

If you want to keep this page up, right click the link and select "Open In New Window"

ARE YOU B3TARDED

Not retarded, b3tarded. I am, and have been for years.

Commander In Chief

He's your president. Let him entertain you.

I especially like the sissy skip.

Jokes, Real And Fake

Last summer I had a visit from a fella who wanted to sell me gutters. But I have gutters I said. But not three thousand dollar ones he said, or something like that. Not gonna happen I informed him. I have something better than three thousand dollar gutters. Good sense.

So as he was leaving he looked around and asked "How much of this land is yours?" As far as you can see in any direction I told him (I have 86 acres).
"I had a spread down in Texas" he says, "We would jump in the car and drive all day and never get to the other side of the property."
"Yeah" I said, "I used to have a car like that."

On to the jokes.

An Arkansas mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband "What is a specimen?". He replied, Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Jackie. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Danged if I know.", she replied. "I asked Jackie what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

A country boy friend of mine was getting ready to go out for the evening. I asked him what he was doing. He said "I'm repairin' to head on out." I said "You mean preparing. To repair means to fix." He said "That's right, I'm fixin' to go."

A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck", the fire fighter said with admiration.
"Thank you", said the little girl.
The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "I suppose you're right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

In-Flight Humor

I dedicate this post to my new blogging friend Carrie (she's new at blogging, not at being a friend). She used to be what is called an "In Flight Guest Technician".

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples I have heard.

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft". "So...if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this plane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, alone voice came over the loudspeaker. "Whoa big fella, whoa"

"Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than us."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

This one pilot hammered the plane into the runway really hard. The airline has a policy which requires the first officer to stand at the door while passengers exited, smile and say "Thanks for flying with us." One little old lady with a cane asked him "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

"We'd like to thank you for flying with us today. And the next time you get an insane urge to go blasting through the sky in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Statistically Speaking

Statistics of note

Doctors:
A. The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by doctors per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per doctor is 17.14%.
Statistics courtesy of the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Guns:
A. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental gun deaths per owner is 0.001875%
Statistics courtesy of the FBI.

So statistically, doctors are approxamately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

Thanks to delftsman.

It Seems Drunks Pay A Price

I like telling amusing stories about drunks. Lord knows I associate with enough of them. But being a drunk comes with a price. Oh, I'm sure you know all about the cost, the legal problems and the health issues. I'm talking about a different one.

Dennis (you remember Dennis?) and I left the island one morning and headed to the closest marina for breakfast. Dennis drinks way too much and has for as long as I can remember. We went into the restaurant and sat down. Our waitress came over and asked me what I'd like. I told her I'd like to be rich, but I'd settle for breakfast. She then said, looking at Dennis, "And what can I get for your father." Dennis is younger than me. I laughed. She said "There goes my tip." I told her she had just doubled her tip.

That is another price you pay for travelling through this life with beer goggles on. I'm sure glad that I'm no good at being a drunk.

Maybe I Should Change This Blog's Name

I bet a woman wrote this book.

Jetski Fun

Last summer I was running the Ohio river on my new Jetski. OK, it's a PWC but no one knows that term. Everyone calls them jetskis. Those things are fast too. Mine is a very big one that goes around 65 mph. Gave a friend a ride one time. He wasn't accustom to the speed or manuverability. We were running about 60 when I made a hard left turn. The jetski and I went left but he kept going straight. What a crybaby.

Anyway I passed the watercops around Steubenville, waved at them and hit the throttle. Running wide open all the way to Wheeling, I was about worn out when I got there. I pulled over to the side of the river for a break when I noticed the watercop coming around the bend with blue lights flashing. Wonder who he's after? He's coming right at me. It there a speed limit I'm thinking? He yells "pull over". I'm stopped, so I give him a "what?" look. He says he's been chasing me for 30 miles. I ask why? He says it looked like my registration was expired. Wrong color for WV. But I'm from Ohio. He says OK then. I mention I'm too smart to be from WV. I notice his WV sticker. Oops. He let's it go. Tells me to be careful. I say "why, you can't catch me anyway?"

I guess I needed the safety inspection. And a gag for my mouth.

A New Blog

A friend of mine has started a new blog. Carrie is her name. The name of her new blog is Moon Connection. She's an intelligent person but is very good at hiding it. Also very entertaining. The stories I could tell, but I won't as I only pick on the less intelligent ones. They are funnier. And they don't have their own blogs. :-)

Let her know what you think in her comments, but be nice. She's a newbie.

And as always, this recommendation comes with my 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you are not completely satisfied, contact me and I will apologize.

Restaurant Tip

If you are ever in the area, Pier 12 Marina has some of the best food you've ever had.

How Evil Are You?

Click here to find out.

Thanks to Samantha Burns.

The Swimming Indian Memorial Stateroom

This is a story about a very good friend of mine. We call him Indian. Yes, he is an American Indian. Good guy, good friend, likes to drink.

We were heading down the Ohio river to a very nice marina called Prima in Moundsville, WV. Six of us onboard. We arrive and set up the boat at the dock for the night. Then we have our dinner in the marina complex. Afterward, we head into the nightclub for some R & R. Indian is a single man and has designs on the local women. Not having much luck, he starts drinking. After a while I watch him drink down about $100 worth of schnapps. Then a good looking girl arrives alone. She spots us sitting at the bar, three guys without women. She walks by Bart (another of my crew), see's a wedding ring and moves onto me. Another wedding ring, she heads for Indian. No ring. She pulls up next to him and says hi. Indian (way too happy at this point) looks at her and says "Ahwawawawa" or something to that effect. She throws up her hands and heads off. We laugh. Indian decides he wants to go back to the boat. He's gonna need help. Bart and I take up flanking positions and help him down the dock. We get to the turn on the dock and Indian decides he needs to use a bathroom right now. There is a lamp pole sticking through the dock, so we decide he can hang onto this and do his business. We make sure he is steady, and Bart and I leave him to his privacy. SPLASH! Oh, no.

We start fishing him out, but he is fighting us saying "Wanna swim, wanna swim". OK I say, but you're going to wear a vest. So he's swimming around the dock, drinking a beer and singing. His night we think, leave him to it. Pretty soon he gets quiet. Indian, we yell. Nothing. He's passed out. And heading down river. So we grab a boat hook and start running down the riverbank. Catch up to him a few hundred feet down and pull him in. He's not helping us move him, like a sack of potatoes this guy. So we decide to set up a mini camp right there on the bank. Build a fire to keep him warm. Bart says he'll stay with Indian and I head back to the boat.

All is well now so I head to bed. About two hours later I hear a commotion out on deck. Seems Indian woke up and wanted to get back on the boat. Well, it would have been a long walk up to the road and thru the marina, but a short swim straight to the boat. Shortest distance between two points and all that. He takes off swimming, never woke Bart up, and gets to the boat. Another friend of mine is sleeping on deck right in front of the boarding ladder. You guessed it. Sopping wet Indian falls on previously dry friend in the middle of the night. Hilarity ensues. I never came out of the cabin. Knew better.

Well, the next morning I tell Indian (who is hiding in the cabin due to embarrassment) to come on up to breakfast. He says no, he can't face the people. I tell him no one remembers, and besides, no one is here, it's early in the morning. I convince him. So he comes out on deck to a standing ovation from last nights crowd. Seems they all like to come back in the morning for breakfast. So I lied, I tell him. Have you ever seen an Indian blush?

That is the story of how my boat's master stateroom got it's name. The Swimming Indian Memorial Stateroom.